Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Feeling more positive

After 2.5 years in Europe, finally I am going to get some visitors. I have learned a lot over the past years. I learned that I am really bad at picking up new technical knowledge and organizing them into a coherent report. I get distracted too easily and thus am very inefficient. I am terrible at socializing and would rather hang out with the fwb than to go out and find a better boyfriend/companion. As a cynical introverted pessimist, being surrounded by other negative, cynical, pessimistic, and introverted people just make my own conditions even worse. I am learning more about how my friends are like, who to be careful for and who to be appreciative about.

Luckily these days I am feeling better about myself. I went on a full day interview which didn't actually go that well,but I am in a position where I don't have to take the job so it's good practice. I learned where my weaknesses are, so i can improve on it if i need to go on more interviews. I met up with a yoga friend couple, who were extremely hospitable, which was very much needed, having spent so long with non-warm people here. Both events were really uplifting. 

I was sort of reluctant to take up the job because I didn't think I was ready to leave Europe. But the thing is, I came here so I could travel, but I haven't been traveling nearly as much as I had hoped. The last time I traveled alone to Edinburgh, I found it to be one of the coolest cities I have ever visited but I felt so alone the whole time I was there. It never used to be an issue a few years back. I think I am at a stage in my life where friendship matters more than adventures. For most people, that is probably always the case, but For me I have really undermined my friendships my whole life. That is why I have been able to travel so much on my own and could move to a country where i didn't know a soul for work purposes. However, I don't really care to do it again, unless a really excellent opportunity arises.

At the whole day interview, everyone kept asking me what are my career plans. I could not really give a clear answer. It's because  I have never considered my career in terms of which position I want to get. I have always thought of it as to be able to work on as many cool projects as I can eat my hands on, and hope that the skills and knowledge i acquire during the project would get me my next job. I probably should have said that at the interview but I didn't dare to. Also, most conventional thinking *is* about the position: to become a professor, a director, a manager, a producer, etc. 

I have been pretty depressed for the past few years because I wasn't given the resources to learn the knowledge that I need to do a good job. I have completed 0 projects so far (although 2-3 are close to completion). I have no good friends nearby. My relationship with parents, relatives, boyfriend, bosses, colleagues, and even friends back home are very crappy. Recently I am understanding the fwb a bit better than I used to. A couple girls at work have better personalities than others. My work contract got extended last minute. I think I have a good chance of getting the job I interviewed for (being acquaintances with the guy doing the hiring makes all the difference). I really think it's the kindness of people that have uplifted me from my normal depressed self.

I have decided it is time to reevaluate the positions of all my friends and acquaintances in my head. Some I considered to be my closest friends need to be lowered in terms of dearness. Those who are warm and accepting... I need to make the effort to interact with them more. 

I am happy to be feeling more calm and content recently. The sunshine helps. Let's hope the good mood continues.