December 2021 psychological update

2020 and 2021 have been plagued by Covid-19. So I haven't been able to go home to visit my parents for 2 years. As chance would have it, the start date of my new job had been delayed, so I had been able to go to visit my parents in Asia for 2 weeks, after a 15 day quarantine. 

My father is very old (in his 90s)... so old that he caught bacterial pneumonia infection from choking on food. I know it's bacterial infection because his symptoms improved after receiving a 2 week intravenous antibiotics treatment. The whole time, my mother and my sister were worried sick. They were mentally preparing for the fact that he might not make it. Luckily, he made it out of the hospital alive. Though initially very weak and delirious, he kept improving in terms of physical and mental conditions ever since he got home.

Theoretically, this should be very good news. However, I observed and interacted with my family and experienced very profound sadness. First of all, my mother is deeply deeply fearful of my father dying. So to control that fear, she began mentally preparing for his death. She said things like, "Your father has lived a good, long life. He has supported our family for long enough. He has been an excellent father. I am ready to let him go. I won't be depressed when he goes. We shall celebrate his long life and an uncomplicated death with short, minimal suffering." 

Everything she said pointed to a very healthy way of thinking. However, when dad made it home, my mother complained about the doctor friend who suggested for her to mentally prepare and perhaps actually prepare for dad's funeral. She then planned a vacation "for the whole family", where they drove HOURS to get to a hotel, and tried to wheelchair my dad around in the sun with no shades, where the temperature  was 39 degrees and not a cloud in the sky. My mother was ecstatic she could get the whole family together. My dad (who literally JUST got released from the hospital after an intense medical treatment), my brother-in-law, my sister, and her two adult kids, who were treated by their parents like they were small children.

Throughout the whole visit, my mom babbled continuously. Her words indicated that she was fine, happy, strong, and mentally healthy. Her actions indicated that she was horrified about the prospect of being alone; she didn't trust anybody; she tried to control everyone and everything; she would either give out angry commands (go do something for me and do it now!), or burst into tears at home, then pretended she was totally fine and no such behavior had happened. I think she is officially a "crazy person". She has no desire to go see a psychiatrist, of course. I don't even dare to bring that up. She just becomes very furious randomly. Or she would lie about seeing a doctor but not actually do it. From what I have heard from my sister, my mother goes to the doctors quite regularly for check-ups, but cannot tell a straight story about anything.

Normally I have a ton of empathy for anyone in a disadvantaged position, who feels helpless, scared, worried, and weak.  Unfortunately I have almost no tolerance for lying and deceit. Throughout my whole life, as long as I can remember, my mother is the dictator type of parent, "Do what I say or ELSE!" "Eat whatever it is I give you to eat!" "Go wherever it is I tell you to go!" Outwardly to guests, acquaintances and friends, she is charming, a warm, generous host, who loves to throw parties and welcome friends and families to our homes. Basically, the person whom I experienced as a daughter was a very different person from who everyone else got to see, but at least both characters were very confident, high-energy, and strong. My mother is basically a classic narcissist.

Now the aging woman exposes herself for who she actually is: a woman with intense fear of the whole world and has possesses deep-seated self-hatred. In her prime, she ordered me around to make herself feel good. Now she orders me around to avoid feeling completely out of control. She can say the "right stuff" -- positive thinking, gratitude, positive outlook of life, but she doesn't believe any of it. At the same time, she remains overly self-centered, believing that everyone wants to take her money, or are out to get her. She also expressed deep jealousy of my "youth" -- middle-age is considered as young for an octogenerian I suppose, and practically, your own children will never grow older than you as long as you are alive.

I have always thought of my mother as egotistical and overly controlling, but I never really admitted to myself how much she lies. Her whole life is one giant lie, basically. No matter how confident she acted for all these decades, she never really believed in herself this whole time. What an astonishing pathology.

This is a person that you can feel sad and sorry for, but you cannot actually help her. She constantly misinterprets my words and action from the worst starting point of intentions. She and I possess practically complete opposite world-views and value systems. I believe in reason and logic. She seems to believe that if she acts mean enough and authoritarian enough people will obey her. That's why she still tries to sound mean and angry and order people around even though she actually feels weak, confused, and powerless. She blames me for constantly criticizing her, when she herself is her own worse critic. In fact, I now believe that a ton of things she has blamed me over the decades are opinions that she or her own terrible mother said about her. For DECADES, she externalizes all these terrible intentions to me and my sister. How dare we be such horrible people? The whole time I was just confused. For the life of me I could not understand what exactly did I say or do that warranted such intense furor.

So I read a lot of articles on narcissism, and most of them claim that a narcissist cannot really be treated. It's like watching someone drown; if you tried to reach out to help her, she will just drag you into the whirlpool with her. I kept thinking a therapist or a psychiatrist might be able to help her, but it seems like she prefers to pretend she is completely mentally healthy than to do something about the mental chaos in her head.

So that was my 2021... a family-wide mental break down. Who knows what 2022 will bring?

2021 July Climbing update

Pretty amazing that shortly after I posted September 2020 climbing update last October, the climbing gyms were all closed due to COVID-19, and remained closed until May 2021. That's 7 full months of no indoor climbing, during which time I pretty much lost all my climbing strengths. The first time I went back into the gym in May, even a level 5 route felt hard to pull on. My legs struggle to make what felt like big steps up the wall. It took about 1 month of regular indoor climbing to feel like I am close to my strength levels last year. So here's the update, almost 1 year later.

I actually had several chances to go climb outdoors in March and April, 2021.  My route reading sucked, so some 3s and 4s actually felt hard. Since my bf and I had no strength, we struggled on some 6-'s (5b's) routes, and left a quickdraw on a wall. Currently we are still climbing max 5bs outside. I hope before the end of this summer season, I can climb more 5c's and maybe try 1 or 2 6a's outside.

Shoe update: Mythos (size 38) are best for outdoor climbing. I don't know why, I am unable to use my slightly downturned Scarpa Vapors (size 39.5) outdoors. They hurt my feet and don't help with outdoor climbing. Same with my new La Sportiva Katanas. I bought a pair of Katanas because they are more flat than the Vapors, so I assumed they would be more comfy than my Vapors. I was wrong. I think I sized them too small (size 38). They tension my feet so that the toes and heels REALLY hurt, and I can't use them outside. Surprisingly, I am now able to use my Finale outside. Finale (size 38.5) has a flat sole, are sized pretty tight also kinda hurt, but there isn't a real foot tension system in this model and the soles are softer than Katana (maybe because they are broken in). I find the friction on the wall to be really good, so it's the right stiffness for me for easy outdoor slab climbs. Indoors, I am able to use the Katana on boulder walls for as long as I can stand the pain. So the performance is there; I'm just waiting for the toebox to mold to my feet. The Vapors feel pretty good indoors now. They are my perfect sending shoes for hard routes (7-s/6A+s).

Indoor climbing update: So now (7-s/6A+s) are my limits in terms of strength. I have gained some weight during corona lockdown (up to 68.9kg). So climbing has felt really hard. I am currently at around 66.3kg, hoping to go down to 65kg, which will be quite difficult for me. Currently, I don't climb too many hard routes per sessions, so I don't get bunion pains during climbing, which is a big blessing. Mentally, I feel more confidence now when I climb above a quickdraw clip. I often feel quite secure on my feet on the wall. My upper body strength are on their way back (getting stronger), and that makes me feel quite good. My hand skin can be a limiting factor for indoor climbing. 

Bouldering: the other day, I went to a new gym to take advantage of their 15 class deal and to try bouldering. I could climb a lot of the boulders up to 5c/6a. I feel like I can struggle longer on boulders now, which makes bouldering more fun than before, when I felt tired so quickly that I couldn't really try a hard boulder multiple times. 

I'm at a point where I don't feel like I will make much progress on harder grades. I just need to focus on moving better on the level that I am: shift weight better, breath better, stay calm on routes, stand up from pistol squats, assisted pull ups, handstands, push ups; lose 1-2 kg more.

It's funny that my bf likes to buy fancy (read: expensive) climbing shoes but doesn't climb much harder than I do. He wears them for his psychology (to "feel more secure" on harder routes). He laughs at me for still using my not so comfy/performance-based shoes (read: Taratulace [size 39... way too big], Finale). The thing is, for the easy warm up routes, I have seen people climb them with approach shoes or even runners. I shouldn't need to waste rubber on expensive climbing shoes to climb those routes. I try to save my "fancy shoes" on routes that do benefit from downturned, tensioned climbing shoes that cost more. I'm happy that I can tolerate the discomfort of my more basic shoes now. It means my feet are on their way to getting stronger. The advanced shoes definitely hurt the feet in a different manner. The bf is torturing his feet on easy routes where foot torture do not help improve his climbing, but he has a different philosophy than me I guess. I only want to submit my feet to expensive torture if they truly help me stand on tiny ledges or push harder on a foothold for those truly difficult, advanced routes. I will climbing a route even my shoes don't feel secure, as long as my feet don't slip off the footholds.  The bf needs too-tight shoes to feel secure. He will move up only if he feels extremely secure with his footholds and handholds. That's totally not necessary for a foothold to keep your body on the wall. Just move up and use insecure holds as intermediate holds. My limiting factor is mainly strength and power. His limiting factor is his need to feel totally secure.