Sunday, September 14, 2014

Unwanted at work

Right now I'm being passed around like a hot potato. My direct supervisor is trying to pimp me to his "buddies", ie. big bosses with money, but no one really wants to take me on for short term contract extension. I should have acted like good old conventional postdocs: instead of working hard to finish what I've been working on, I should have slowed down on my work and focused on job hunting instead, because bosses only get excited about starting projects; they don't give a rat's ass about seeing the projects get completed. Or maybe they do up to a certain time period but I have been too slow and they have lost interest.

Anyways, I'm in a pretty shitty situation right now. I recently attended a big boss's talk, which outlines grand plans for the next 3-4 years, with lots of things I can work on, but sorry, he does not want me to work on any of the tasks. I am completely disposable. Somebody else can totally do those action items.

I guess this is what mom wanted to "protect" me from all of my life. That's why she tried to find a job for me because she felt I wouldn't be able to find myself a job or to be able to to keep it. In all honesty, I feel like shit. Like I am under-educated, completely incompetent, inferior to all my colleagues, like I do not make enough contribution to "the team". I have never felt so useless in my life.. Oh wait a minute, that's how I felt during grad school too. In the long run though I think I will survive. I have some savings so I could last a few months being unemployed. I need a break anyways... sick of all the politics and schmoozing and strange priorities and random science projects that do not make sense, just because they could get support based on their reputation.

With all the crazy stuff going on in the world: wars in Ukraine, Syria, Gaza, Iraq, beheadings, Ebola in Africa, complete disregard for other people's health just to make a few bucks in Taiwan... all these just make me want to escape to somewhere with few human beings, like some remote mountain or something. People are so selfish it makes me really depressed. I don't know how to feel hopeful where people around me only care about their own families and loved ones. Everyone else can die for all they care.

I really need to go somewhere with a bit of a community sense, where people actually care a little bit about each other, even the ones who are not related to them by blood.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Feeling vibes

The vibe two weekends ago (ie. previous post) was super high, it is very hard to beat. That was a bunch of really friendly and fun loving girls. 

The vibe at work is not so good. I have one friendly colleague who has gone on parental leave, so I will feel very alienated from work from now on. At my other office with the other group, I also feel like an outsider, especially with this one colleague who always looks like she has an angry face when she's around me. We haven't spoke for almost two years. Yah, it's ridiculously bad. I notice my new colleague has a way of neutralizing whatever negativity she gives out, while I become easily angered / defensive / hurt whenever I get a splash of it. Have to say I am terribly unskilled at dealing with this type of people, but I'll know to be extremely careful not to offend ppl like this next time. Trick is to not take anything he/she says personally and do some verbal taichi (light jokes, switch topics, ignore what he/she just said) in order to not get on that person's black list. Keep a polite distance to this person. But it's too late with her, as we seem to have become arch nemesis due to some fundamental value differences. This constant negative vibe towards me Is quite unhealthy for me and I should really look for a new job the moment I finish my projects. 

I have been meeting the ex again. It really feels fantastic to spend the weekend with him, as long as I leave early enough so he can spend at least 12 hours on his own to wind down. He told me he recently met up with a friend he hasn't seen for decades, who used to be his best buddy when they were kids. They had a great time together drinking and chatting when they met up after all these years. However, he was surprised when the friend asked to stay overnight. He reluctantly agreed, but proceed to try to hint for him to leave first thing in the morning. When the friend tried to stay longer, he proceeded to actually kick him out. I guess that means I'm not alone in becoming unwelcome after x hours of hanging out with the guy, that he does not want to spend an extended period of time with 99.9% of the population, including former best buddies. however, on the down side, it means this guy has serious trouble connecting deeply with anyone. So, the sooner I end it with him and go look for a more suitable partner, the better for me, as I'm not getting any  younger. That's the logical brain speaking. The emotional brain is still deeply attached to him, wishes to take care of him and to try to "fix" him; though I highly doubt he's interested in being fixed. He seems to be quite content with the way he is. 

Which brings me to online dating. I downloaded a dating app out of curiously. i won't say which one because i don't want this blog to be linked to it. Anyways, within like 48 hours I have generated 10s of matches, which simply means we "liked" each other's photos. As I am not looking for hook ups, which is exactly what this app seems to be built for, I treat it more like a social experiment, to see what's out there and how guys who are not hermits behave these days. Surprisingly all the guys sound very polite, well educated and respectful. No "ur hot, wanna hook up?" Or "send me a photo of your boobies" types of messages so far. However, I did encounter profiles of a few guys whom I have met at other social settings, and I got recognized by some stranger's friend (you can forward the match up pictures to your buddies for approval / gossip / background check). A few ppl have asked to meet up.

I should be very excited about this (not an expired, unwanted old lady yet!) , but I am also incredibly nervous as well. In a way it feels like "cheating", even though technically I have broken up with the ex. Also, I think if the guy asks for a hook up, I could just say no. But if the guy wants an actual relationship, which is what I want as well in principle, I feel I am a bit too messed up at this point to say yes, which would be sad.

I think I may be a bit ahead of myself though. I should just agree to meet up. Chances are I won't get along with most strangers anyways, so I won't have to worry about the next step. On the off chance that someone does sweep me off my feet, it would be healthy for me to fully detach myself from the ex. It's just that I fear I will reinforce his thinking that he should never become close with anyone, which would be really terrible. I feel very conflicted.