Self-Care Strategy #7: Remind myself that worrying will not improve my situation, so just stop it already

I have quite a few topics I really want to blog about, but then I also have several upcoming deadlines for work as well. Having deadlines stress me out tremendously, but instead of tackling the tasks one by one, I go into this avoidance mode where I would surf the net, play solitaire, clean, do laundry, anything but do actual work. I believe the procrastination activities are supposed to serve as panic alleviating purposes, but at the end of the day, the deadline is still there, nothing work-wise got accomplished, so the panic continues.

This has happened to me so many times during school years, and I always roughed through it (pull all nighters etc). Seeing how unaccomplished I am in my professional and personal aspects of life, I would say that the old strategy did not serve me well at all. Seems like rather than trying to push away the worrying by procrastination, I should actually deal with my feelings. Only when it goes away can I actually get some work done.

New strategy: alleviate the worrying by imagining what's the worst that can happen to me if I completely flunk my tasks (in this particular case, a presentation). I could:

- Embarrass myself in front of a whole bunch of people

- Embarrass and disappoint my boss

- have to deal with my colleague's smug satisfaction that I make myself look bad while she can seem much more put together than me.

I don't think I would actually lose my job if I screw up this particular task. But even if I lose this job, I just couldn't care less. It's a little sad, but as I no longer have high ambitions, I do not feel bad if I lose this career and have to do something else. Since this is the case, I should stop worrying. Just get something done and let nature run its course.

Even know logically I know worrying is not a useful feeling, my old patterns take over so easily. Time to remind myself over and over again: self-care matters more than work accomplishments. 

Emotional maturity, Impostor syndrome, "Lean in" movement

My work and my relationship challenge me left, right and center every day. I read up on "emotional maturity" and find out (unsurprisingly) that I am pretty juvenile when it comes to EQ.

It seems to be a big topic that women are less likely to stay on track in their careers because they're more likely to feel like impostors. Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook, started a movement called "Lean In", asking women to stay confident, stay ambitious, keep moving up the ladder in the organization, even if they think they want to put more focus on family and children some day.

While I did often feel like an impostor (not good enough for my job), lately it's the other way around. I feel like I am not enough of an impostor to play the game of "fake it 'til you make it", and worse, "fake it after you make it, for the rest of your life".

Lately I get this strong feeling that my PhD supervisor (a woman), my current bosses and I suspect most leaders in all organization are all impostors. Even when they don't fully understand something they will behave and speak in a manner that make it seem like they are the expert on that subject. Basically whoever's the most ambitious and can act like they know things better than other people make it to the top. The actual knowledge matters less. The appearance matters more than the essence.

So, if I also direly wish to become a professor or a group leader, instead of improving my scientific knowledge, I should actually put more efforts into improving my self confidence, learning to speak and act like a leader. I should be more emotionally mature and not blow the cover of other impostor leaders, acknowledging that their "expert advice" sound totally helpful and I should give it a try, instead of pointing out that they have no idea what they are talking about and are just throwing out some random buzz words to show they are not completely oblivious to the topic at hand.

Except that's not what I want at all. I dislike being an impostor working closely among other impostors. I want to be in a position where I am actually good at what I do, and working among other inspiring people. I don't care if I "downshift" my career as long as I'm among the right people, but I don't know if there's such a community out there for me, or if the whole world is just full of impostors at high positions in governments, banks, businesses, and scientific institutions.

Maybe I'll think differently if I become more "emotionally mature", and right now I'm just ranting like a juvenile. Who knows.

Appearance vs. Essence

I was complaining to a friend back home how I don't like the political aspects of my work place, how I don't like the superficiality I experience everywhere. He reminds me that in the current world, everyone focuses on the appearance of things rather than the essence. If I can distinguish what is for appearance only and what is the essence of a person, an event, or an issue, I would be less frustrated with the world.

My friend is totally right. I have been placing my focus on the wrong aspects in life. Even though I am deeply frustrated that yoga has become this trendy, overly-marketed, money-grabbing overly-hyped activity meant for bendy, skinny, pretty girls, the essence of yoga-teaching is good. Even though like any job, my work involves some politics, some back-stabbing, some ass-kissing, tons of compromises, focus on the wrong stuff (getting grants and networking with "important" people), the essence of the nature of my work is good. I am trying to understand how living things operate. This understanding could help us combat diseases, or just understand ourselves better. It is a lot more meaningful than being, say, a stock broker (at least to me). I should look past the marketing, hype, and frustrations, and focus on the good.

Thanks to my friend's reminder, I will be looking for the essence of events and issues for awhile. It takes practice since my habit it to focus on the bad (the appearance). I am grateful to have such wise friends who can guide me during frustrating times.

Self-care strategy #6: find someone who gives a damn about me

Confession: finally got myself into a relationship. Given what an oddball I am, of course the bf ends up equally if not weirder than me. Most gratifying aspect of this relationship so far: the guy never invalidates my feelings, which so far has the greatest gaping wound in my life. My parents never take my feelings seriously; my friends and extended family are bored out of their minds about my rants and complaints. I know it won't last forever, but so far the guy actually listens to my babbles.  I'm used to people asking for my opinions and then ignoring them completely (I've have some not so supportive friends in my life), I'm always shocked when he agrees to go to a restaurant I pick, or see a movie that I suggest, or when he manages to validate my rants ("Sounds like you've been feeling misunderstood and ignored",  etc.) I feel like a small child for needing so much reassurance but it's really nice to be pampered like this.

Things I learn about myself: how severely insecure I am. For the first few months of the relationship, I kept expecting the guy to suddenly cut me off because I am too annoying or he figured out he made a mistake or he met someone who's a better fit for him. This stems from the fact that I have had many eligible guy friends whom I had crushes on who would tell me they think I'm a really nice girl but then go on to pursue prettier, more fun-loving, sweeter girls. I googled obsessively terms like "how can I tell if a guy likes me"; "What do men look for in a relationship"; "what qualities do men like about women", "why do guys fear commitment"; "why do men cheat"..... You get the drift. I was always the one who asked if he would be free the next weekend. During the week I would be in despair if he doesn't text me, so I would text him every night, and if he doesn't answer, I would be sad that I miss him more than he misses me, and I would nervously google "Do overly clingy girls drive men away". It's been several months now and judging from his manners I am finally reassured that he does enjoy spending time with me and that he doesn't get annoyed when I ask him to hang out on a week night. He's just not the proactive chaser type.

The learning curve: figuring out what types of Issues in daily life that deeply bothers the guy. I thought it's usually the girl in a relationship who are picky about the little things, but in this case it's the guy who complains that I installed new toilet paper rolls "the wrong way" (Seriously?). He hates the show "The Big Bang Theory" with a vengeance because he thinks the show paints an extremely belittling image of the nerd stereotype and people just laugh at nerds' awkwardness rather than intelligently humorous scripting (For me it's just a funny show and the main character is amazing at performing physical comedy and delivering the lines in a purposeful way). There are many other TV shows and issues that seem to seriously irriate him, which I cannot understand at the moment because they seem quite trivial to me. Since he's been so sensitive to my feelings, I don't want to invalidate how he feels, but I have been having some trouble seeing it from his perspective as to why he feels so strongly about those issues. The positive part is that since I don't have strong feelings about those issues myself, they don't stir up my emotions so we won't get into arguments over these things. I just have to be careful not to say things that might sound like invalidation, which I have done a few times by accident.

So far I feel pretty good about the status of the relationship, but to be honest I already think about coping strategies if a break up happens in the near future. This is a bad habit from being trapped in 6 years of grad school with way too little progress/accomplishments for the amount of time and efforts I put in. I keep thinking anout worse scenarios and making contingency plans for the case where I have to graduate with zero publications and that I get zero support from the supervisor in terms of career planning (I could teach English in Asia; I think I am competent enough to work at Starbucks, etc. That's how confident I feel about my education). The thing is nobody gives a damn that I felt this way, which made me felt like going to this particular grad school was the worst life choice I have ever made, and I have been regretting it ever since. Doesn't help that I had a fling about a year ago that didn't turn well, which was anticipated, but I was in this strange emotional mess such that I would burst into tears whenever the thought of that guy popped up in my mind. That's when I understood what people mean when they say "love is an addiction". I can be all scientifically minded about observing myself, and even finding it fascinating, but it doesn't stop me from being an emotional train wreck. The compulsive analyzer in me knows that the crying spells and heartaches will happen all over again should a break up happens soon, but the rational observer in me thinks the prognosis of this relationship is looking good for now. I'm crazy, I know. My family doctor one year ago refused to recommend psychotherapy (coz he doesn't believe in it; he trusts the anti-depressants more), so here I am analyzing myself to death. 

And the self-care efforts continue...

Self-care strategy #5 - Don't take everything personally

So many times I get really worked up if people make a criticism of me or if they don't like me. I feel like I am not good enough, likable enough, smart enough, agreeable enough, that I lack social skills, patience, understanding, humor. I cringe when my flaws are verbally exposed by others.

I need to remind myself that nobody is perfect. Even those who seem effortlessly charismatic on the surface may feel insecure deep down. Overly charming people are either people pleasers or can be quite arrogant. People also assume a lot of things, especially if they come from a more homogenous culture. When they say, "This is how we always do things in my family/culture/country", I have to struggle not to snap back that "I didn't grow up in your family/culture/country and you have no idea what kind of (flawed) values were taught to me when I grew up. Your values do not universally apply to everyone in this world."

Decades of biting my tongue when others make quick judgements and criticism has made me seem overly aloof. I want to appear to be a warmer person but I think I have to allow myself to process everything that has happened to me rather than feeling bad when people say that I'm an adult now and can just suddenly make the switch to be totally confident and pretend my upbringing is over and does not influence me now at all.

When people make naive judgements I guess I need to  remind myself that they are lucky they grew up in a more conventional environment, but it also makes them understand less about the shadows and darkness in this world. It makes me more sympathetic to the less fortunate people. It feels burdensome but I have to find ways to accept my knowledge and experience as gifts.  

Self-care strategy #4 -- Give thanks when I start feeling anxious or develop angry/sad thoughts

Feeling insecure and ruminating about "what should have been" are my brain's default programs. They get triggered whenever I'm alone (either commuting or at home), or whenever someone innocently says something trivial that triggers my shameful sore spots, I feel an intense emotion and then try to suppress it, and then angry, anxious, and/or sad thoughts come up right after that. This seems to be my pattern.

Strategy to deal with fear/anxiety/hurt/shame:

- If circumstance permits, sit cross legged, close my eyes, clear my thoughts and just focus on breathing and body awareness

- If it's not possible to go into meditative mode, think of three things to be immediately thankful for.
1. I am thankful I am an independent adult now and no longer needs to answer to my mother and my grad school thesis supervisor.
2. I am thankful I have so much freedom in my life. There are so many available options to me right at this moment and from day to day. People can say hurtful things to be but the words do not have direct consequences to my life situation.
3. I am thankful I am surrounded by so much beauty. I have so many friends who do not judge me and like me as who I am.

This helps me to shift my attention from my anger/fear of inadequacy to the options I do have available to me.

Self-care strategy #3 -- be more forgiving to self

I am the type who likes to write a list of plans for the next day, and then 70% of the items on the list don't get done. Then I get very frustrated with myself and give up. Typical perfectionist-procrastinator-self-destructive behaviour. This habit lowers self-esteem and doesn't get me anywhere.

Change of strategy:

- Still make lists, but don't feel bad when I don't accomplish things. Focus on the 30% that I did manage to accomplish. One might suggest that I list less things, but I'm an obsessive planner and I will write up things that needs to be done within 10 years if it comes up on my mind. So, before I master my skill for prioritization, I need to be more forgiving to myself.

Counterintuitively, being more self-forgiving releases my frozen/giving up behavior, and allows me to continue getting things done.

Another strategy:

- Schedule breaks and "do-nothing" tasks into my daily to-do items. Otherwise I will feel bad whenever I relax because there's still a gigantic list of things that needs to be done. Unlike many of my friends who seem to be comfortable scheduling a million activities (Drinking with friends! music concerts! Hiking, biking, learn a new sport! Writing classes! Language classes! All in one weekend!) into their lives whenever they don't have obligations, I feel like I seriously need a lot of down time.  I am happy if I do one extra-curricular activity on a weekend rather then ten things, even if they are all supposed to be fun. I don't know why I am so mentally exhausted, but I am, and I need to be firm about the type of lifestyle that suits me rather than to follow the paths of my seemingly more accomplished friends. I'm really hoping one day I will overcome my psychological fatigue and be more motivated again.