New experiences climbing outside and intense emotions

I experienced a very intense week recently. It was a climbing vacation, and I was pushed to climb every day. I didn't know I could do it. I tried to keep it very easy on the first day. By the third and fourth day I was really tired. Then I thought I got used to it. But then when my brain could not will my body to do the moves that required a little extra stamina and strength (the type of exertion that normally triggers the ecstasy during climbing), I felt angry and defeated. I felt like I was not in control of my situation. On this trip I experienced anticipation, excitement, joy, adrenaline high, fear, anger, frustration, pain, helplessness, senes of accomplishment, boredom, confusion, dread, tiredness, stubbornness, impulsiveness. The trip brought out a lot of feelings and thoughts in me.

For one thing, I was very fortunate to be able to participate in such a trip. The weather was perfect; the setting was gorgeous ( by the Mediterranean Sea); the companions were intelligent people who have led very interesting lives; my partner was super accommodating to my weaknesses and complaints. I was expecting the trip to be a lot less strenuous, but was amazed my body could handle it. I learned that I could push my body to do a lot more than I thought I could. Climbing outside is so different than climbing indoors. In the gym you stand on these deliberate footholds, and follow a distinct path. On the rock, you are supposed to trust your feet to generate enough friction to stay on the angled wall with rough features on it. It's really different. My bunions were hurting after 2 days, so I didn't dare to push my feet harder into the wall, which meant I couldn't climb any harder. I tried to climb in a way that prevented aggravation of foot pain. It's good technique, but also limiting. I will take it easy and see if my feet feel better as they get stronger. If the pain persists I might not be able to climb higher grades in the future.

A lot of extra factors outdoors generate more fear and give the brain more factors to process. The wind; the sun; will this thin rock that I grab break off? Can this step hold my body weight? Many times I have to tell myself to breath, that I can get through this route. There was one 5a/5.7/5+ route where I felt very uncomfortable to push hard on my toes so I could grab higher and reach the next comfortable handholds / footholds. So I had to down-climb to the last quickdraw that I clipped to go down. That also felt really difficult as I had never down-climbed on rock walls before. I felt like I was gaining a lot of new experiences. The more I experience, the less scary they feel, the more my brain can handle it, and the better I can climb.

Because there were so many intense emotional triggers on this trip, I am reminded of how some of my friends used to tell me how "they are afraid to be bored". Yet they normally resort to activities like shopping, movie watching, socializing with friends, regular sight-seeing travels, alcohol drinking, and almost never adrenaline sports. I feel like when some people say they are bored, rather than craving true excitement, it means they want to be distracted. They do not want to be in a focused state. When I am up on the wall, there is no complaining I am tired, or bored. There is only problem solving so I can come down the wall safely eventually.

I'm hoping this experience will help me climb better in the future, both in the gym and outside. I'm also hoping it will help me  handle my emotions better in normal life.

New Year, new changes

Lots of things have happened recently. As you know, I have been practicing meditation for the last few months, but unfortunately it all fell apart when I went to visit family over the holidays. I could not step back and observe the situation from a third person point of view. Instead I was the grumpy youngest daughter who ruined everyone else's fun.

I think a big problem is that I am very alone here in a foreign country. I have no one to talk to, no one who is interested in listening to what I have to say. When I go home, I was hoping the family would pay some attention to my expression of myself. Instead, the way they express love is to push too much food at me, which I got scared of since I witnessed that both my sister and her daughter have gained significant amounts of weight while my mother is still "being loving" and feeding them excessively. Secondly, all they can talk about is shopping, and food. My mom also constantly complained about how bad the TV shows have become, but still has the TV turned out first thing in the morning until bed time. I am just sick and tired of a family who attempts absolutely nothing to change the (big or small) problems they have in their lives. Another thing I can't stand is that they like to talk to me as if I were 5 or 10 years old. As much as I hated it, I couldn't help regressing back to a small child since I could not reason with them logically.

I actually achieved huge step forward by getting my mother to go see a counsellor with me, hoping to get him to explain the problems going on between us. Because of my short stay we couldn't go to a lot of sessions, but I have learned that after all these years, my mother thinks the problem is 100% with me. I am too pessimistic, depressed, and unreasonable. I think the counsellor got through a little bit to her that she needs to listen to me more often (although during our session she still cuts me off and goes on and on about what she thinks I want to say and what I should do and how I should behave, for my own good, etc etc). The counsellor said that he will ask her to keep going back to him but I doubt my mom will comply.  It is very difficult to get a 70 year old woman to change her ways, of course, but at least during the rest of my stay, she stopped forcing me to accept everything that she kept offering me.

I think I have become the way I am because my upbringing emphasised too much on school grades and not at all on building inter-human relationships. My family believes that as long as we are a family, we should do stuff together and keep all negative emotions bottled up without resolving them. My mother believes that by being optimistic alone will resolve all negative feelings.

My short meditation experience have taught me that because my family has never had any interests in listening to what I have to say, I have learned to internalize my dialogue into my head. When I watch my thoughts, the dialogue goes on non-stop all day long. When I feel really strongly about something it is next to impossible to stop the mind chattering. I will keep working on it though.

I also really need more socializing in my life. Finally broke up with bf. It's been really difficult because he has been like a best friend and I really needed companionship and someone to talk to. I used to only want to hang out with him and not bother making friends. But he got jealous that I wanted to spend time with my new found friends, but at the same time was not motivated to do activities with me. We would often just stay in his house the whole weekend and watch youtube videos. That is not the kind of life style I want for long term.

There will be some changes to work, but certain situations remain the same. Many individuals complain about the same things constantly ( I guess I used to be one of them) without bothering to make much changes. I need to figure out how to not be affected by all the negativities.

I realize this post is very long-winded. If possible I would actually like to quit my job and create a more focused blog instead of this rant-style diary type blog. Alas, I will tough it out for one more year. If academia doesn't work out then I will go try something new and work on my inter-personal skills. Actually, even if it works out (if I publish well), I'm not sure if I want to stay in this field. It is too competitive and I feel like I'm just playing catch up constantly. Also I feel like I've just being exploited by all the irresponsible ego-centric bosses. It's time to take my life back in my own control again.

Restless in Savasana

I used to be really good at savasana. At the end of every intensive power yoga class, I would happily collapse into my corpse pose and sometimes even fall asleep. It was not a problem for me to stay still for 5-10minutes and observe the trickles of electric energy moving up and down my body.

Not so with Bikram yoga. I'm still not so sure about the savasanas in between each seated postures. I understand what they are meant for theoretically, but practically I don't know if it works as well as they claim (to release the blood flow in the body after each compression posture). In the beginning I really disliked them, since they felt disruptive to the flow of the sequence. Now I have gotten used to them, and welcome the break after each posture. It's not that the seated postures are particularly difficult, just that the heat of the room really gets to me.

It's the savasana at the end of the class that's been particularly challenging for me.  So far I have been feeling totally restless at the end of class 80% of the time, with the desire to get up and run around, do a headstand, wiggle like a worm, go into urdhva dhanurasana. The most I could do though was to wiggle around until the teacher leaves the room. It seems like the 26 posture-sequence, with kabbalah baati breathing exercise at the end, is not an energy grounding practice. I could feel the heat generated by my body from the practice clashing with the heat of the room.

On the other hand, I always sleep very well after a Bikrams class (I practice in the evenings). That's one of the reasons why I keep going back. We'll see if my wiggle problem goes away after a few more weeks of practice.

This energy/emotion business is so interesting. Yoga and the heat really stir up a lot of emotions and thoughts for me, but not in a bad way. I think I'm the type who needs frequent, strong doses of external stimulations in the body in order to drive away the negative, depressing energy within me. The scientist in me wishes I could study this subject scientifically somehow, but I have no idea how this "energy/mood" can be objectively measured and quantitated. Ah well, someone smarter than me will invent the method/instrument some day.

Where do I fit in this world?

How does an introvert, somewhat ADD girl who works too slowly, gets distracted easily, has terrible social skills/communication skills, who tends to dislike most people fit in this world?

My contract is ending again. I feel like I'm perpetually worried about where to go next. In trying to understand myself, I have learn that I am disorganized, too idealistic and therefore not very good at putting ideas into concrete results. Hence I'm terrible at writing project proposals as well as making a manuscript. I am terrible at dealing with people. Seems like I don't get along with 90% of whoever I encounter. The 10% I do get along with are probably the most easy going and socially intelligent people in the world, which means they get along with 99.9% of the world's population.

I took up a technical job because I thought I could just hide behind my desk and just churn out good work + make a living out of it. But it turns out I am too inefficient. So far I haven't had a position where I am really good at what I do. Now I don't think I am stupid (low on EQ and Social Intelligence, but not IQ), but I probably aimed too high in terms of the type of job I think I can do.

I still think science is the right type of job for me. Unfortunately the current system does not allow people with my kind personality to stay in the field. Grad schools keep pumping out PhDs, who are eager to work for peanuts for a few years under professors as postdocs. Because of this, there is no reason to keep experienced scientist in your lab, because the salary goes up. Also, because of the funding structure, every job is temporary. I'm at an age where I want to settle down but I have no idea which country will allow me to stay for long term.

In addition, to survive in the research field, every professor is making their lab members work on 5 projects at once. I know the logical thing to do is to focus on one project at a time, but since I spent 6 years working on only one project, right now I have no idea how to juggle 5 at once. I am constantly stressed out, have no time to cook and exercise. This is really a terrible situation.

I really think I could use a retreat, but right now I'm using my vacation to visit family, which is more stressful than relaxing. My mother still doesn't get that I don't like her planning my life. It's her thing to force her offerings (presents, food, money, planning activities) on other people, regardless of whether they want it or not. You might think that, what's wrong with free things? Why would anyone decline free stuff? Well, nothing in life is ever free, even if it's offered by your own mom. Basically she wants you to be her slave if you dare to accept her presents. She would tell everybody how much she has given you. She would expect you to do favors for her at a time that's totally inconvenient for you. Sometimes she offers you something that is more a burden for you than a present. But she still counts it as that you owe her a favour. I'd much rather have my freedom than take her offerings.

Anyways, I need to find myself another job that would not make me want to pull out all my hair and cry about not being able to deliver. And I'm tired of moving around. Question is where should I go next. I'm too busy to do any serious job hunting. Perhaps over Christmas time.

Regrets and non-regrets

I don't regret moving to Sweden... I've learned so much about cultural diversity, human nature, and about myself while I have been here.

I don't regret doing a PhD, although I do regret doing it at the lab I was at (missed out on so much technical knowledge + breadth of the field, plus it was too long of non-productivity that made me sink into depression).

I don't regret meeting my ex-bf / current fwb, although I need a lot of strength + courage to move on to the next guy. There's a high probability I may never find anyone who is kind, honest, loyal, intelligent, comes from a healthy/loving family, and who wants to grow old with me.

I regret not being brave enough to start to date earlier (too cowardly to put myself out there and make myself vulnerable).

I deeply regret not leaving home sooner. I regret not figuring out sooner my family + extended family  are totally dysfunctional and have no sympathy for other people.

I regret not going away for college... I stuck with my acquaintances from high school out of comfort and barely made any new friends during undergrad.

I don't regret learning martial arts + yoga, and having encountered a lot of brilliantly smart and disciplined people during the journeys.

I regret being too cautious / chicken in general for so long. This has to do with how I was raised though.

I don't regret not having children, even as my friends and colleagues are popping out babies left, right and center. It was my own conscious choice rather than life circumstances. I do regret being single for so long. That was not a choice, but a consequence of being so scared of the world.

I regret having invested most of my life efforts and attention on homework assignment / studying for tests and not nearly enough efforts on building relationship / observing how society behaves.

I don't regret not becoming a medical doctor. I prefer doing research (ie. detective and investigative work).

I regret allowing my mom decide how my life should be.

I regret purposely dressing down and making myself as plain as possible for so many years, due to my mother's fear that there are rapists everywhere. It's not just about the superficial aspect of looking good. It's about building self-confidence, developing a sense of self-worth, feeling safe while residing in safe countries, and carrying an air of dignity to gain respect and trust from others.

I don't regret taking a taichi class, although I'm still not certain if I want to continue it next year.

New apartment, new job... feeling unsettled

I have moved to a new apartment, finished the last travels of this year (at least until Christmas), so I'm hoping to settle down soon. Except my contract only lasts until March.

Taking a hard look at at my life,  it seems like my tendency is to force myself to do something difficult and miserable, hoping to have, in exchange, a better life with better choices down the road. The problem is, if I pick a wrong approach to deal with people or to do a task, then it doesn't matter how hard I push myself, how much time I spend on a project, at the end of the journey, I for sure won't end up where I want to be.

So now I no longer have a roommate. I kind of miss the social interaction, but actually I can only stand socializing with her for about 10 minutes, then her negativity starts to get to me. My fwb can stand me for about 24-36 hours, then I become too chatty/annoying for him.

I think like my roommate, I may never find someone who doesn't get sick of me after hanging out with me for extended periods of time. But I still have to try to look for one. It's difficult though, as fwb behaves like a superb bf when we get together, helping me move, cooking me breakfast, etc. One day I'll be strong enough to leave him and not cry every single day. But that day is not today.

The contract deadline looming, I need to apply for more jobs. Except I seem to end up applying for jobs I don't want that badly, and then I don't know what I should to do at the interview. All will work out in the end I guess.

Drifter mentality

So on my second last working day, I got a short term contract extension with another professor. For now I don't need to leave Sweden, which is good news. But at the same time, I do not know what is my next step. I applied for another job in Canada, and got positive initial response from the potential supervisor, but it's again a short term employment.

I hang out with the boy again on the weekend (I guess it's not considered as an ex-... more like a friend with benefits). It's always great fun hanging out with him, but at the end of every get together I feel a sense of profound sadness, because there is no future between us. He is sad I will leave, but has no intention of keeping me either. I actually made an attempt to see other people, but I have trouble getting excited about starting a new relationship with someone else.

The 2014 Nobel prizes were announced recently. I was very excited about the physiology and medicine prize going to neuroscience. I had the fortune to listen to Dr. Edvard Moser talk about his research last year... it was very computationally complex (him and his wife study grid cells -- cells in our brains that help us navigate around this world), to the point I had trouble understanding it. I think he is very deserving of his award, but I don't know how to get excited about my own work.

I spent an hour listening to Dr. Robert Sapolsky's Stanford lecture on depression on Youtube. It was very educational. I have no doubt I have the gene variant where repeated stressors in life increases my chances of developing depression by 30 fold. My life experience has also subjected me to "learned helpless" as mentioned in the lecture.

What can I do about my situation? I did not like not being left hanging, uncertain if I would have a job or not until the last minute, but I do like this new lab I'm in, at least for now. At the same time, if my contract does not get extended again, I feel like I want to go on a retreat or a volunteer mission rather than straight into the next job, where I have to over-stress myself learning 10 million new things again. The thing is, would a yoga retreat or volunteer trip help me? The last time I went on one I got even more depressed. It's hard to know if I should try more aggressively to control my life, or to go with the flow (my previous boss called me a "drifter"). The former approach is difficult, since I don't know exactly what I want right now. Well, I want a supportive social network (and a partner in life), but those things can't exactly be forced. I have an okay chance with finding myself a job with a longer contract, but I have not decided where I want to move to next.

Just gotta stay brave and keep trying new things I guess.

Feeling vibes

The vibe two weekends ago (ie. previous post) was super high, it is very hard to beat. That was a bunch of really friendly and fun loving girls. 

The vibe at work is not so good. I have one friendly colleague who has gone on parental leave, so I will feel very alienated from work from now on. At my other office with the other group, I also feel like an outsider, especially with this one colleague who always looks like she has an angry face when she's around me. We haven't spoke for almost two years. Yah, it's ridiculously bad. I notice my new colleague has a way of neutralizing whatever negativity she gives out, while I become easily angered / defensive / hurt whenever I get a splash of it. Have to say I am terribly unskilled at dealing with this type of people, but I'll know to be extremely careful not to offend ppl like this next time. Trick is to not take anything he/she says personally and do some verbal taichi (light jokes, switch topics, ignore what he/she just said) in order to not get on that person's black list. Keep a polite distance to this person. But it's too late with her, as we seem to have become arch nemesis due to some fundamental value differences. This constant negative vibe towards me Is quite unhealthy for me and I should really look for a new job the moment I finish my projects. 

I have been meeting the ex again. It really feels fantastic to spend the weekend with him, as long as I leave early enough so he can spend at least 12 hours on his own to wind down. He told me he recently met up with a friend he hasn't seen for decades, who used to be his best buddy when they were kids. They had a great time together drinking and chatting when they met up after all these years. However, he was surprised when the friend asked to stay overnight. He reluctantly agreed, but proceed to try to hint for him to leave first thing in the morning. When the friend tried to stay longer, he proceeded to actually kick him out. I guess that means I'm not alone in becoming unwelcome after x hours of hanging out with the guy, that he does not want to spend an extended period of time with 99.9% of the population, including former best buddies. however, on the down side, it means this guy has serious trouble connecting deeply with anyone. So, the sooner I end it with him and go look for a more suitable partner, the better for me, as I'm not getting any  younger. That's the logical brain speaking. The emotional brain is still deeply attached to him, wishes to take care of him and to try to "fix" him; though I highly doubt he's interested in being fixed. He seems to be quite content with the way he is. 

Which brings me to online dating. I downloaded a dating app out of curiously. i won't say which one because i don't want this blog to be linked to it. Anyways, within like 48 hours I have generated 10s of matches, which simply means we "liked" each other's photos. As I am not looking for hook ups, which is exactly what this app seems to be built for, I treat it more like a social experiment, to see what's out there and how guys who are not hermits behave these days. Surprisingly all the guys sound very polite, well educated and respectful. No "ur hot, wanna hook up?" Or "send me a photo of your boobies" types of messages so far. However, I did encounter profiles of a few guys whom I have met at other social settings, and I got recognized by some stranger's friend (you can forward the match up pictures to your buddies for approval / gossip / background check). A few ppl have asked to meet up.

I should be very excited about this (not an expired, unwanted old lady yet!) , but I am also incredibly nervous as well. In a way it feels like "cheating", even though technically I have broken up with the ex. Also, I think if the guy asks for a hook up, I could just say no. But if the guy wants an actual relationship, which is what I want as well in principle, I feel I am a bit too messed up at this point to say yes, which would be sad.

I think I may be a bit ahead of myself though. I should just agree to meet up. Chances are I won't get along with most strangers anyways, so I won't have to worry about the next step. On the off chance that someone does sweep me off my feet, it would be healthy for me to fully detach myself from the ex. It's just that I fear I will reinforce his thinking that he should never become close with anyone, which would be really terrible. I feel very conflicted.

Friendship boost

This has been one of the best weekends in a long while. I've been doing some activities with expats and met some really nice people the past couple of days. We bonded by sharing our personal experience of how difficult it has been to emotionally connect with the locals. This morning I woke up feeling nurtured and content. I have not felt like this in quite awhile, which makes me realize that 1) I've been deprived of friendship rapport for far too long, and 2) how crazy it is that my body chemicals respond so strongly to social validation. 

I have been going to expat events since I first arrived here, but it's mostly been casual socializing at pubs, restaurants, clubs, or even hikes, with only small talks and no real connections. This time I lucked out and was able to make some connections with some people by sharing how isolating we have all felt while living in this beautiful city.

I think if I had never moved here, I would have taken for granted the positive effects of friendship support that I get regularly back home. It is when this aspect is absent from my life that I notice how deprived I feel. 

I have been paying attention to feelings more recently, and I notice that I often make people feel uncomfortable. I think I talk a bit too fast, being afraid that people will stop listening to me before I finish expressing what I want to say. Sometimes I'm a bit insensitive to what might offend people or what topics are a bit too grim for small talks. Sometimes I'm so keen on getting out what I want to say I interrupt other people, or I fail to acknowledge the main point that they are trying to get across in their speaking.   

By hanging out with more non-science people, who seem to be a lot better at communication in general and at making people feel at ease, I hope to learn from them, become a better listener and communicator.

I think if/when I move again, it will the top priority that I move somewhere where it is easier to establish a social circle with friendship support. It's almost as important the soul as food and water to the body.

Never ending journey of personal growth

I made an excuse that I wanted to pick up my bike, which was still at the ex's place, to which he heartily agreed. I then mentioned that I had no idea how to ride it back to my place (truth), and he agreed to guide me back. The journey was an hour long and the route was quite confusing, so I was very grateful that he was kind enough to guide me the whole way. We ended up hanging out at a local beach, a short boat ride, and then going for delicious dinner at a nearby hip Asian restaurant. It was such a fantastic day that I felt like I was a total idiot for breaking up with him.

Except the next day it was radio silence from him again. Oh yes of course,  now I remember: this behavior is the reason that I have been feeling crazy the past year.

I think I have a better understanding of why babies + toddlers cry so often. Every new experience in the world can be so uncomfortable and stirs up so much emotions! I think if I have met a few guys like the ex earlier in my life, his behavior wouldn't be such a big deal to me. I would be able to walk away very easily. However this is brand new experience for me. Someone is super nice to me and doesn't ask for anything in return: he must be interested in having a relationship with me, right? If I return the kindness he would like me better for sure? No, sadly that's not always true.

I think I have a tendency to sink very deep into my emotions over any major or trivial incident that triggers a deep reaction/emotion in me. Today I was quite depressed for a few hours, feeling very alone and lost. Somehow I managed to snap out of it a bit later. Compared to stuff happening in the world (Israel/Gaza conflict, Ebola outbreak, Russia/Ukraine conflict, ISIS in Iraq, etc. etc.), what's happening to me is very trivial. The thing is I am alone most of the time, so all I have are my emotions and my thoughts, which can hold me down by keeping me in my bed for an entire day, or chaining me to my desks for hours while not able to complete any productive work. It is very important for me to realize this tendency so I can find ways to try to snap out of it.

The same thing is true for all the big conflicts in the world though. A few sociopathic beings want to be in control of a group of people/a particular region/an entire nation. This thought leads them to acquire influence, money and resources to achieve what they want. They achieve influence by evoking people's strong emotions such that they can't think rationally.... hence they can get these people to give up their lives for some "holy" cause.

Guess what I'm trying to understand and to express is that thoughts and emotions are two huge forces that drive human behaviors and decisions. If I lived in a jungle or on the African plain, then my mind would be occupied by how to stay away from predators and how to acquire food. If I lived in a warzone then I would be preoccupied with survival strategies and maybe how to take revenge on those who are killing my loved ones. Since I live in a peaceful part of the world, I become obsessed with relationships and securing a good job. If I didn't need to work for a living and already have a loving husband, I'd probably still find something to obsess about, like how to make the perfect cupcakes or how to dress like the Stepford wife or something.

Some people think this is sad (the ex felt that way about me). I guess it's how I was raised (must strive for career and marriage). I've been trying hard to reprogram myself, but I don't know exactly what I am supposed to reprogram into. When I was really into yoga, I was a bit turned off by how obsessed people were with achieving that next asana. The whole diet and life style change, which are meant to improve health and maintain sustainable living, became more like expensive fads only rich yogis with a lot of free time could afford. Not everyone is like this, but I've certainly met a few yogis who felt they were better than other people because they have switched to a vegetarian diet and they chant regularly for peace.

I think perhaps the external conflicts in the world in some way reflects the inner disturbances in all of us. I don't know what are the solutions, but I must keep working towards calming my inner emotional storms, by examining all my mental habits and making changes when needed. It is extremely difficult. I would say my battles with my inner daemons, while not as significant or consequential as the wars in the world right now, are just as difficult to resolve.

Realization of the day: I actually love drama!

The weather has been absolutely fantastic. 30 degrees celsius, with cool breeze, dry air but not uncomfortably dry. Almost perfect weather, really, I try to enjoy it but have only been partially successful.

I tried but couldn't work at all the past week. Every day I had my computer scripts open in front of me, but I either jump to play sudoku, 2048, or I read up on articles after articles about relationships. How to handle break ups. Rocky relationships: should I save it or end it? Pursuer-distancer relationships. On-again-off-again relationships... Are they healthy? How to choose a romantic partner. How to let go. When Enough is Enough. X way to practice self care. N signs you are dating someone emotionally unavailable. When I felt like I had absorbed adequate information from reading, I went to Youtube and found a gazillion videos on relationship issues with even more info. How to behave to not push your guy away, to make them feel safe to commit in a relationship. Why are guys typically the distancer and women the pursuer, etc.

I've been reading Zee's blogs and in this one post the description of the girlfriend sounds pretty much like me, except I am 100 times more psycho than that. I wanted more time with my ex-bf and I wanted him to say he wanted to see me asap. In Zee's case he broke up with his girl friend because he felt his freedom was being threatened. In my case my ex mentioned he had become more mentally prepared with the idea of seeing me more often, but I broke it off anyways, because he didn't express that he missed me badly.

To be honest I am an intense person and subconsciously I actually enjoy the big drama that I ultimately created during the break up. Except I wanted to do these when I was in my 20s, not now. The videos kept saying, you shouldn't waste time on emotionally unavailable men and should instead date a lot until you find the right guy, and then be super patient and employ techniques ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOP on him to lure him in, make him want to settle down with you without making him scared of commitment. F*** that! Dating the wrong guys is NOT a waste of time!  I totally wanted to serially date guys who are totally not suitable for long term relationship, to experience the soul-embracing passion, followed by earth-shattering heart breaks. Learn from my own experience and mistakes which characteristics makes a guy suitable or unsuitable for long term relationship rather than being lectured by some completely rational, wisdom-filled online relationship advice videos!

Unfortunately, my mom made it her primary mission to prevent me from experiencing that by constantly lecturing me that studying is a lot more important than dating, frequently advising me how to deal with rape situations (If you ever encounter a rapist, don't struggle and just endure it. It will all be over in a few minutes and you will still be alive). I seriously had the impression that my virginity would be taken by a rapist before I got the chance to meet and get to know someone I liked. Because the world is full of rapists! Your dad could be a rapist; your uncles could be rapists. Every man has the potential of being a rapist. In my 20s she switched her propaganda to "Forget job hunting and career development. You need to to find a husband NOW and get married or you'll be single and unwanted forever after you turn 30".

Since her teachings completely clashed with what I wanted in my life, I froze with panic at the prospect of dating anyone, because I did NOT want a husband at that point. I had no idea how complicated relationships could be, and that dating someone did NOT mean the relationship would advance to the stage where both parties would want to get married (mom always bragged about how every guy who courted her wanted to marry her at the 6 month stage). Oh and, every guy could be a potential rapist!

The drama relationship I've always wanted got postponed until my mid-30s instead, at the point when I am soaked with anxiety that if this particular relationship does not work out, I am on my way to becoming an old wrinkly spinster lady who eventually dies by being eaten up by her 100 cats.

I have no idea how my mad research on relationship skills led to this blog entry. I was going to talk about our communication problems, but of course communication issues are the root cause of pretty much every break up (duh!!!).  I guess while I have been analyzing what I did wrong, what my ex did wrong, whether or not I was more wrong, etc., I realized, while formulating this blog entry, that the universe had sent me the right person for this trial run (maybe 15 years too late, but better late than never, right?). This is because I am horribly lacking in terms of relationship skills, so that if I had been dating a guy who'd make the PERFECT husband for me, I for SURE would have messed up just as badly as I did this time, and would be crying for months or maybe years, doing everything I can to try to get him back, fail miserably, and slump into severe depression.

In this case, my ex and I had lots of chemistry, but we weren't really right for each other, but I treated him as Silly Putty and tried super hard to mold him into my ideal partner. He kept pushing back and putting up resistance until I got so frustrated that I had to drop him. I have been struggling so badly because I really did a ton of things wrong in this relationship (as I learned from the articles and videos), but hey, he's not the right guy anyway. But then I really miss him because of course if I didn't like him that much I wouldn't have bothered trying so hard for so long.

The drama has been a fun ride. I just need to end my emotional turmoil now so I can fully enjoy the last week of hot summer here (I don't know for sure but I'm treating it as such), before it becomes cold and miserable again. The days are already becoming shorter and I better treasure the rest of summer. Winter is coming (Game of Thrones quote)!

Seeing an ugly side of myself I've never witnessed before

So.. the break up finally happened. It was like I planted a landmine for the bf to step on. I gave a suggestion that I didn't want him to take (and didn't expect him to agree to), but surprisingly he did, although not without making some derogatory comment first. That became the straw that broke the camel's back. So I blew up and it was all over.

Never in my life have I ever expected myself to perform this kind of unacceptable manipulative behavior. If anyone ever pulled one of these stunts on me, I would totally break up the relationship or friendship and stay as far away from that crazy asshole as possible. Now I know that crazy bitch secretly lives inside of me and so there's NO escaping ever for me.

They say that one of the red signs that a relationship is not good for you is that it brings out your worst behaviors, that you don't like how you act around that person. I always took it to mean that I can't express myself fully, that I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around that person, that I lower myself by acting like I'm always trying to please that person, which was what was happening during the relationship. I was NOT expecting to become manipulative and put someone in a lose-lose situation. I didn't even know I pull such a move until after the whole situation blew up. I never thought I was capable of that, but I proved myself wrong!

The final act was a truly terrible one. Unacceptable and totally surprising. I really didn't mean for that to happen. I realize I so desperately wanted him to behave a certain way that conforms to my ideal of a good boyfriend (say he misses me and that he wants to see me very soon) that I kept dangling carrots, candies and toys at him, even ones that I didn't actually mean to show him. When he refused to behave like I wished he would, I became frustrated, humiliated,  rejected, depressed, angry, furious, I went insane, I threw it all out at him, showing him the ugliest and craziest side of me. Somehow, insanely, I still secretly wished he would ask me not to end the relationship!

He's been very uncommunicative for a long time, and finally he told me what his deal-breaker was. It totally came out of the blue and made me scratch my head in total confusion. Like... this trait is the deal breaker? Not my manipulation, my bossyness, my insecurity, my clinging, my craziness, my indecisiveness, my unpredictability, ie. the long list of weaknesses I really hate about myself? I mean, obviously he doesn't like any of those traits either, but those somehow were not the deal breakers? It really showed how little I understood him, how utterly incompatible we actually are, but also explained why we stayed together for so long. Basically, his complaint was something that I really didn't think was important. I mean, I tried to work on it a little bit, but now I hear it, seems like I could not nearly achieve the level he wants me to be at. Basically I'm fundamentally not the kind of girl friend he wishes to have. But then again if he had communicated it better earlier I would have tried a lot harder. Don't know if it would have made a difference though. In my head I felt like my requests were totally legit (spend more time together, for him to express more that he loves me and misses me), but to him these demands are probably just as foreign. He does not have any friends who act like that and never in his life has he ever wished to become that kind of guy.

It's been a crazy ride. I don't for one minute regret this relationship, but the ending was so weird (we actually both agreed we still want to remain as friends). If I hadn't ended it, I don't think he would ever initiate the break up. In my head, the relationship should keep on progressing, or it should be cut off. Either you like me and you agree to work with me to make our relation function nicely, or let me go. It wasn't until the final talk where I finally began to understand his logic.  He would have been okay with all my craziness as long he kept our meetings relatively short, with enough alone time spaced in between the meetings. It totally made no sense to me this entire time we were together, because he never communicated what he's been thinking. I guess it wasn't necessary, since he had full control of how often we met. He had the upper hand in the power struggle. I was in the dark and put up with it because I was completely being controlled by my oxytocin (the desire to attach myself to him, spatially/physically and emotionally). But of course he also hasn't been happy either, and was relieved about the break up.

Very luckily, I have a group of girl friends who behaved exactly as I wish my ideal best friends would behave - completely supportive, non-judgemental of me, not asking any harsh questions (eg. "Did you do anything wrong on your part"), and totally on my side, saying all the kind words I wish to hear. I love these ladies to death. I don't know what I did to deserve these friends, and not sure how I could have survived the traumatic emotional roller coaster ride without them.

On the other hand, it also makes me wonder: am I just a total control freak, subconsciously aiming to build a social network of friends, family, lover and work colleagues who would behave as close as possible to a certain ideal I wish them to be? Is this what everybody else does as well, only accepting new people who think and behave the way they expect into their social circles, and try to keep out the ones who behave too far from expectations?

I'd like to think I'm more open minded than that, but I guess when it comes to really close partners/friendship, we would all like them to share some common fundamental values with us, along with some superficial expected behaviors. That's an important lesson I learned from this experience.

Tracking my state of mind - part 2

2 months ago, I wrote about tracking my state of mind with a Reporter phone app. Basically the phone prompts me at random times of the day to answer simple questions like how do I feel and what am I doing, etc. Here are the results so far:

- I think about negative thoughts roughly half of the time I'm awake.

- I'm mostly grateful about my job, sunny days, and being with my boyfriend (so yeah, I ended up panicking and apologizing to him for going crazy, so now we're back to square one ).

- About a month ago I was workign about 30% of the time, but now it has gone up to 38% (working til late in the evening and on weekends).

- I spend most of my time working on my paper and commuting to and from work.

- I'm mostly alone or with my colleagues.

- My top three moods are "Ruminating", "Bleh", and "Content".

None of these results are terribly surprising to me. The biggest surprise from this exercise that I did not realize before, is how quickly I change my opinions and mood about a topic that runs continuously in my head. In the morning on my subway ride to work, I would, say, feel very anxious about my relationship with my boyfriend. Right after lunch, even though nothing has changed in reality, I would feel that maybe my relationship is going fine after all, that I have nothing to worry about. And in the evening again I would come up with some scenario or nick-pick on problems and decide that this relationship sucks and I deserve better. Same with my opinions about work. One moment I would feel extremely grateful about this super interesting and flexible job, and the next moment I would think my job sucks and I want to move to another country.

That's just how my mind works I guess. It makes up story after story, anticipating before anything new in real life changes, trying to protect my feelings and my dignity. It is extremely difficult for me to focus on "now". I am constantly worried about the future and wish I made fewer mistakes in my past.

I would love to go on a meditation retreat, but since I don't have the time right now, this moment tracking thing is the next best thing I can do. One thing I really need to change about my current life: find some friends or even strangers to hang out with, since my colleagues aren't interested in being friends outside of work.

It's how life works I guess. My life is pretty fabulous and lacks a million things at the same time. There are things I'm doing that are kinda fun but I'd rather be doing something even more exciting, so I don't appreciate the good moments every day. The second question I ask myself, after "Am I having negative thoughts", is: "What am I grateful about?" Usually it helps made me step back from my shitty mood and examine what's good in life, even if it's as simple as a shining sun.

Communication gone completely awry

I've been unhappy with the lack of communication I had with the bf. We barely interacted besides funny cat pictures he occasionally sent me, so last week I decided to tell him that either we see each other more often, or he calls more often, or I wouldn't see him this weekend.

Worst. strategy. ever. He got furious, started listing everything that I have ever done wrong, how I stress him out, and now it's zero communication.

I realized we probably already interact more than he's comfortable with, which is ridiculously little by any normal standards (we might as well be in a long-distance relationship even though we live in the same city). I started browsing through a thousand articles about men and why they stonewall women and how to get them to communicate more and stuff. I already tried to mentally prepare myself for the worst case scenario - our break up, but it was still very painful.

My dad also has  a style of rarely talking or discussing things, but it suited my mom because she likes to have complete control over the family and he lets her shove him. She treats him like a small child: she tells him when he needs to put on more clothes; she decided that he should retire early and we should move to North America; she signed me up for all sorts of extracurricular activities without ever discussing with me or even informing me beforehand and made him drive me to these classes while I was young. He put up with all this and never complained much.

As I said in a previous post, I recently asked my dad what would he want to do if he were 30 years old today, and he said he would want to "get married". My mother says I should marry someone like my dad. First of all, nobody plus or minus 10 years my age behave like my dad any more. Secondly, I have been around my dad for 30+ years. I am 120% certain I don't want a silent yet compliant life partner. I'm not the type who enjoys ordering people around and having them obey my every little demand.

So now I am at a loss of how normal guys are supposed to be like and how much I should put up with things. I really enjoy spending weekends with him, but I don't like my partner to feel resentful just because I would like to be outside for walks/hikes/some sort of activity on the weekends.

Couldn't have picked a worse timing. The weather is now super nice but I don't have a companion to do stuff with on the weekend any more. Woe is me for daring to ask to interact more than on weekends.

Frees up more time for me to do work on weekends I guess. How lovely.

Lessons I learned so far about anger

I learned a new lesson about anger today... when you are really angry at someone, or when you feel you really strongly dislike a person at the moment, be it a good friend, a loved one, an acquaintance, or even a mentor, you cannot take in his or her advice, no matter how correct or how helpful the information they offer may be. It happened that a person I normally really like and respect made a statement that sounded offensive for me (coz I have huge unresolved issues with filial piety) and then kept trying to shove advice down my throat.

I've become more and more inquisitive about feelings and emotions, perhaps exactly because those who were closest around me love to invalidate my feelings or tell me to suppress my negative emotions and show more positive ones even if I don't feel so upbeat.

My whole life has been really tough for me, not because I had abusive/dysfunctional parents or was born into poverty, but because I was born with an excessively inquisitive mind and I like to analyze ideas/concepts to death. This probably irritates the hell out of my family and friends, who much prefer simple rules of thumbs than to question conventions/social norms.

I want to talk about the emotion known as "anger". I've briefly discussed the problems with negative emotion suppression in a previous post. Basically it's unhealthy for you in the long term and what often happens is that at a later time you may explode at someone due to a trigger that is only remotely related to the real issues that you've been avoiding to deal with for months/years.

According to Wikipedia, anger is "an emotion related to one's psychological interpretation of having been offended, wronged, or denied and a tendency to react through retaliation."  It ranges from being mildly, frustrated, to somewhat irritated, to outright wanting to say obscenities and hurt someone else.

My mother's side of the family, from grandparents, to my mom and all her siblings, to all my cousins, my sister and I -- are known to have bad tempers. I used to think this hot-temperament is a genetic trait that we are born with and would have extreme difficulty to shed. But I learned that it's more of a learned trait rather than purely an inborn characteristic. Whenever I got mad, my mother would quickly out-anger me by posturing up, speaking more loudly, and making sure she gains the upperhand of the situation. It's not until recently I learned that my own anger was often exactly "feeling offended, wronged, or denied", and also feeling completely powerless and hopeless, with no option to do anything about the situation. Even when I got older and realistically should be more resourceful to actively do something about my situation, getting angry became a habit, a knee-jerk response from too many years of being used to the helplessness. My mother also still habitually posture up and act all defensive no matter what the situation was.

It's not until I had a chance to live abroad, away from my family for an extended period of time, spending time with other people's families,  that I learned that other families do not get mad over every conflict or every frustrating/irritating situation. They simply asked the right questions, discussed, and made compromises. It was very eye-opening for me to observe this. Also, because other people never forced me to obey unreasonable requests, I rarely, if ever felt unbearably infuriated.  This was a complete surprise for me, since I had been used to feeling utter furor almost daily back at home.

So now that I am away for home for good, and hell-raising furor occurs relatively rarely for me, I set out to analyze post-furor what kind of things actually makes me furious. There's no way to analyze them while I was feeling like an erupting volcano. I started this post during a recent episode actually, but all that came out were blames and defensive thoughts. Rational thinking is impossible while feeling wrathful.

So the rage was actually a reaction to one of my favorite family members, who is normally quite caring. I guess she was having some trouble with her kids, and so she set out to invalidate my feelings towards my parents, and proceed to tell me that the mere fact that I was born into this world is sufficient reason that I am forever completely indebted to my parents and that I should fulfill my duty as a good daughter. A few of her later points are actually reasonable life tips.. things that she learned in her buddhist community about self-reflection and changing perspectives, but I was so incredulous and outraged that I couldn't stand to take in any inkling of information she tried to offer, no matter how relevant and helpful they may be.

I guess on top of my list of anger trigger are Chinese traditions, filial piety, emotional invalidation, and twisting my words to use against me. You may win the fight but you forever lose my trust and respect. But I've learned that nobody in my family gives a damn about my trust and respect. They care the most about tradition and saving face.

Luckily I have my own spiritual teaching to turn to that are less preachy and more thoughtful/respectful. I much prefer to internalize teachings that honors its audience rather than teachings that say, "You are all stupid/blind/unworthy, and now here are the rules to follow".

A simple teaching that I can appreciate (I heard this from Seane Corn): "First, forgive yourself for not knowing any better. Then forgive others for not knowing any better" ---  As opposed to forgive others unconditionally while continuing to be endlessly vigilant about yourself.

Another self-reminder: I am more powerful than my upbringing would have me believe. I have a lot more control of my life than I think I do. I also am allowed to make mistakes, since I have to live with the consequences of my mistakes. As much as I'm shocked about how family members only a few years older than me adhere to traditional beliefs that should have gone out of fashion with the 19th century, I am free believe something else and to live a different life. The emotional baggages are not so easily to shed but I will dedicate the rest of my life shedding them.

I also think it's okay to get angry as long as I learn something from it rather than just automatically react without thinking. I gain understanding about myself and it helps me to process my baggage / habitual patterns. If I merely suppress my anger or superficially distract myself, the baggage will never lessen.

Chaos in today's world and in my mind

Recently I have been fascinated by the whole Miley Cyrus phenomenon.  I kept flipping back and forth, between thinking that she's in control of what she's doing (following Madonna, Lady Gaga, Christina Aguilera et al.'s footsteps in using sexuality to catch attention so she can sell albums and transition into an adult market), or if she is a train wreck about to break down (like Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan etc).

This piece written by Mara Wilson, the child star in "Matilda" and "Mrs. Doubtfire", helped me understand better the need for Miley and seemingly all child stars to go through this rebellion phase, because Disney forces their child stars to remain cute and innocent for the fan base when in reality they have been fully exposed to the ugliest aspects of the adult world (sex, drugs, porn, politics, power struggle, lies etc) by working long hours in the entertainment industry.

So why am I so obsessed about pop culture stars' acting out phase? Because at 33, I am really confused about life myself.

We've got a financial system that is completely unsustainable; we've got disproportionally large number of psychopaths holding power in high position political offices, financial institutions, and mega-corporations around the world; we exploit third world countries to keep the every day things we own cheap and abundant; there is an overabundance of porn on the Internet; our food sources are pretty messed up; terrorist activities and shootings seem to be a frequent occurrence now despite the billions (trillions?) of dollars put into flight security and global data surveillance system;  global warming and environmental pollution are only getting worse; the world seems to be moving towards the extreme (extreme right wing in Europe and North America; fundamentalists rising in the Muslim world); the education system cannot keep up with rapid changes in the world and the needs of the modern businesses/industries; and we're supposed to tell our children to behave, act appropriately and courteously, study hard in school, and they will have a good life?

To be fair, this simplistic message is just what my mother taught me all my life and made me resentful today. Maybe other parents have more intelligent values to teach to their children (fend for yourself, as this world is chaotic and unfair?)

I do believe wholehearted that Steven Pinker's conclusion that the world is less violent and probably today than it used to be hundreds and thousands of years ago.  I am probably more likely to encounter violence in my every day life 300 years ago than today. However back then there were no televisions, no 24-hour news channels, no internet, no Twitter, and therefore people would only know about bad things happening around their neighborhoods, and not received up-to-the-minute updates about wars happening half way across the world, or radioactive leakage in another continent that could harm the locals and eventually make it to our neighborhood.

As someone who grew up extremely sheltered and who wanted to dedicate her whole life researching cure for cancer and/or work for charities, I feel pretty disillusioned about the flaws within the field of science and NGOs.

I guess this is why so many people turn to escapism - excessive partying: sex, drugs, music, obsession with appearances and pets. Others turn to spiritual pursuits, which is what I did for awhile, but it also felt more like escaping than waking up for me.

I think my biggest issue is that I don't feel my parents or my family are proud of me, since they have no idea what scientists do and don't think highly of the profession in general. My mother associates level of success with the amount of money one makes. Rationally I know her values are wrong, but I'm still saddened to have parents who ignore current economic climate and expect me to make lots of money some day because they encouraged me to get an advanced degree.  Also, over the years, I focused too much on my studies and not enough on establishing solid friendship with a social group with similar, more healthy values. I just didn't know the importance of socializing. Now I am among people who either keep to themselves and their own social circles, or among overachiever girls who are just as confused as me. Some of them are still in their pursuit towards becoming a professor/group leader, which is not a problem in itself, but what scares me is that they also seem to be willing to do whatever it takes to get there, just like how other leaders got to where they are today.

It seems that I am surprised by a lot of the happenings in the world because people are a lot more selfish than I thought they would be. I don't know why I assumed people are less selfish in the first place.. maybe because I've been taught I should be more generous? To cope with this I should really be less concerned about matters that don't affect me immediately and focus on my own life, but I find it difficult since my work requires me to think out of the box and ponder in terms of big pictures.

One way to cope could be that I aim to be less emotionally tugged by all the external stimulants. Right now I'm like a rag doll, where every provocative image, every piece of sensational news, every slight insult by someone I come in contact with invokes a strong feeling or reaction from me. A wise friend encourages me to remain an observer, to not judge if these provocative events are good or bad, and to not react to everything that's happening. I think it's very good advice for me but I find it difficult to achieve.

Back to Miley Cyrus -- she's pushing boundaries of social norms, experimenting with herself and the system. Parents and the more conservative populations  are outraged, but I think it's interesting that her performance at the VMA wasn't censored (she mentioned herself that she thought there was a chance it could). I'm not saying it should or shouldn't be censored, just that it wasn't. However, the word "molly" was bleeped out. Why wouldn't she experiment with how far she could get if she can get away with it? There does seem to be a huge disconnect with the governing censorship system and the public opinion -- breasts can be exposed but nipples are somehow a dirty thing to show and can damage innocent children's souls (remember Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction caused a huge uproar). Movies with extreme violence can get a PG-13 rating, but nudity is automatically rated R and swear words need to be bleeped from radios and TVs. I do think that the broken censorship system sends the wrong message to children, especially when kids are inclined to try all the things that authorities forbid them to do.

I'm only concerned that public opinions can get to her eventually. People are just not nice these days, especially when they can express their judgements anonymously on the Internet. I'm certainly guilty of judging people too quickly, especially when I come across something unfamiliar and radical to me.

My homework for next little while is to judge less, react less, and rein in my over-scattered thinking. I direly need to center and ground myself.

Emotional maturity, Impostor syndrome, "Lean in" movement

My work and my relationship challenge me left, right and center every day. I read up on "emotional maturity" and find out (unsurprisingly) that I am pretty juvenile when it comes to EQ.

It seems to be a big topic that women are less likely to stay on track in their careers because they're more likely to feel like impostors. Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook, started a movement called "Lean In", asking women to stay confident, stay ambitious, keep moving up the ladder in the organization, even if they think they want to put more focus on family and children some day.

While I did often feel like an impostor (not good enough for my job), lately it's the other way around. I feel like I am not enough of an impostor to play the game of "fake it 'til you make it", and worse, "fake it after you make it, for the rest of your life".

Lately I get this strong feeling that my PhD supervisor (a woman), my current bosses and I suspect most leaders in all organization are all impostors. Even when they don't fully understand something they will behave and speak in a manner that make it seem like they are the expert on that subject. Basically whoever's the most ambitious and can act like they know things better than other people make it to the top. The actual knowledge matters less. The appearance matters more than the essence.

So, if I also direly wish to become a professor or a group leader, instead of improving my scientific knowledge, I should actually put more efforts into improving my self confidence, learning to speak and act like a leader. I should be more emotionally mature and not blow the cover of other impostor leaders, acknowledging that their "expert advice" sound totally helpful and I should give it a try, instead of pointing out that they have no idea what they are talking about and are just throwing out some random buzz words to show they are not completely oblivious to the topic at hand.

Except that's not what I want at all. I dislike being an impostor working closely among other impostors. I want to be in a position where I am actually good at what I do, and working among other inspiring people. I don't care if I "downshift" my career as long as I'm among the right people, but I don't know if there's such a community out there for me, or if the whole world is just full of impostors at high positions in governments, banks, businesses, and scientific institutions.

Maybe I'll think differently if I become more "emotionally mature", and right now I'm just ranting like a juvenile. Who knows.

Getting to the bottom of discontentment

A friend just came back from visiting southern Europe and the first thing she tells me is how much Sweden sucks compared to where she went. Stockholm is too cold in April; the grasses are not green yet; the beer here sucks (she doesn't even drink beer normally); this is crap; that is sh*t. It actually made me quite upset and I really wanted to tell her that she can leave this country right this minute if she wants to. Nobody is forcing her to remain here. 

It made me think why I am so upset about this.. I also think it's kind of cold for April. I guess when I stand in the gorgeous sun, seeing how it illuminates this breathtakingly beautiful city, it feels tough to stomach someone complaining non-stop about it. If one can complain being among this much beauty, then everywhere on earth is hell for her. She may like how the southern European city looks, but I'm sure she'll easily find something to complain about there if she lives there for more than 1 week. 

But why else was I so upset? The complaints were annoying but not outrageously offensive. I guess it's because I couldn't pull myself out of this situation soon enough. There are plenty of Debbie Downers in the world. One can easily walk away from them and go towards to more pleasant, grateful people. But I couldn't seem to just walk away. I just stayed at the breakfast table and listened until I couldn't stand it any more. The real reason I was so upset was my own lack of competence to handle uncomfortable situations like this. It's an old habitual pattern that I acquired as a kid, and I can't seem to kick it.

I haven't been practicing yoga lately but I am glad I am noticing these samskaras (habitual patterns) in my every day life. It's so built-in that even though I've noticed what's wrong, I am aware of what I *could* do in the situation, my behavior, still on auto-pilot mode, follows how I've always handled this kind of situation in the past rather than my logic. It's like I have 2 selves: the acting self and the (sometimes) wiser observing self. The reasoning brain also has two parts: the fast acting part says, "Your friend is the reason you're upset", but the slow acting part takes awhile to kick in and say, "You could have done something about it but you didn't. You are upset because you gave up the control of the situation when it was really under your control". 

A big struggle for happiness/unhappiness is to figure out what type of events/situations are under our control and what are not. I cannot control the weather, or other people's words and actions. I can however choose where to live, how I interpret other people's word, and how I act during uncomfortable situations. The old me still passively wishes the weather could be better, that my boss would be a better boss, that my dream job would fall from the sky into my lap, that my co-workers could be more understanding and more fun to be with, and that my friend would stop complaining and start appreciating all the nice things around her. None of these external people/issues are under my control, yet the strong desire to want to control the uncontrollable makes me (and my friend) unhappy. I need to instead work towards mastering actions that I could take to improve my situations and my well being.  The rest of the world may or may not change due to my actions, but at least I will feel better if I have done my best to serve myself.

The problem of suppressing emotions

One of the biggest problems I have is not being in touch with how I feel. There is a virtue highly regarded by the Chinese culture (and maybe Asian culture in general) that is not even a common concept in the western society. I was trying to figure out its translation, and I found the Falun Gong wiki entry translates this virtue as "forbearance". This virtue included the restraint of acting out as well as the suppression of negative emotions when facing hardship or unreasonable demands from authority and those who are older than you. One of the positive outcomes of this virtue is that when one bears the hardship during tough times, one builds character. My mother even taught me this Chinese saying: "When hardship hits you so hard that your teeth are knocked off, swallow the teeth along with all the blood generated from the impact."

In Chinese it's just seven characters/syllables and this is the first time I translated it into English and boy  does it sounds messed up. Who the hell teaches such a concept to their daughters? And you know what? Not knowing any better, I accepted this concept. I don't know why, but I've always wanted to be the most virtuous person I can be, so I practiced forbearance a lot. I practiced suppressing my feelings, thinking that emotions are totally irrational. Anger is bad. Shyness is bad. It frustrates me that I don't have a good grip on my emotions. That I could suppress my anger towards an action or a person I don't like for awhile, and when my patience runs out, I would explode. I hated that about myself. My family suggested that I don't try hard enough, that I must practice even more restraint to prevent exploding anger. This actually makes me even more unpredictable. Practically anything my family says can make me spazz at them, and it's gotten to so bad that I don't even have to meet my family face to face. The mere thought of my mother and some family members can trigger angry feelings. I feel like I need to check myself into a psychiatry unit.

It wasn't until I started taking yoga classes that I learned that when you suppress a negative feeling, it doesn't just disappear into nothingness. It gets stored as tension somewhere in your body. I don't usually believe a statement like that without any evidence, but I don't know how else to explain the fact that I would tear up in the middle of an asana practice. When this happened, the pose I was holding was usually not especially challenging, nor was I recounting a piece of a sad memory. Supposedly asana practice works out energy channels in the body, relieving physical and emotional tensions (knots) in the body, Deep tissue massage can also achieve similar effects sometimes.

It seems to me that a feeling is not a single thought or a single item. It's a combination of a bunch of stuff happening in my body. The stomach tightens, the heart pumps harder, the skin pores widen, major muscles tighten a little bit. Instead of me being aware of 20 things happening at once in my body, my brain interpretes these 20 events as one single feeling. Combo ABCDEFG = anxiousness; HIJKLMN = fearfulness; OPQRSTU = anger, etc. When I order myself to suppress a feeling, what happens is I'm ordering my conscious brain to ignore all these signals in the body. Well, the body is actually trying to communicate something to the rational mind. Instead of making the feeling go away (which I can't, because it's not one single thing), the brain simply ignores all the signals. The next time an emotional trigger happens, the signals become stronger, but again, I say "suppress these bad feelings", my brain tries to ignore the signals, and I become oblivious to all the change in my pulse, the muscle tensions, the inflammation, etc. Over time my brain learns to ignore all the signals/alarms in my body, which means I become oblivious to my feelings. Then one day the alarms reach above a threshold, bypass the rational brain, and I snap at some innocent person like a bitch.

Step 1 is getting in touch with my feelings. Step 1.1 is to take deeper breaths. I totally thought I'd get this down after 2 years of yoga practice, but it seems like I've still got a lot of work to do to improve my breathing skills!