New Year, new changes

Lots of things have happened recently. As you know, I have been practicing meditation for the last few months, but unfortunately it all fell apart when I went to visit family over the holidays. I could not step back and observe the situation from a third person point of view. Instead I was the grumpy youngest daughter who ruined everyone else's fun.

I think a big problem is that I am very alone here in a foreign country. I have no one to talk to, no one who is interested in listening to what I have to say. When I go home, I was hoping the family would pay some attention to my expression of myself. Instead, the way they express love is to push too much food at me, which I got scared of since I witnessed that both my sister and her daughter have gained significant amounts of weight while my mother is still "being loving" and feeding them excessively. Secondly, all they can talk about is shopping, and food. My mom also constantly complained about how bad the TV shows have become, but still has the TV turned out first thing in the morning until bed time. I am just sick and tired of a family who attempts absolutely nothing to change the (big or small) problems they have in their lives. Another thing I can't stand is that they like to talk to me as if I were 5 or 10 years old. As much as I hated it, I couldn't help regressing back to a small child since I could not reason with them logically.

I actually achieved huge step forward by getting my mother to go see a counsellor with me, hoping to get him to explain the problems going on between us. Because of my short stay we couldn't go to a lot of sessions, but I have learned that after all these years, my mother thinks the problem is 100% with me. I am too pessimistic, depressed, and unreasonable. I think the counsellor got through a little bit to her that she needs to listen to me more often (although during our session she still cuts me off and goes on and on about what she thinks I want to say and what I should do and how I should behave, for my own good, etc etc). The counsellor said that he will ask her to keep going back to him but I doubt my mom will comply.  It is very difficult to get a 70 year old woman to change her ways, of course, but at least during the rest of my stay, she stopped forcing me to accept everything that she kept offering me.

I think I have become the way I am because my upbringing emphasised too much on school grades and not at all on building inter-human relationships. My family believes that as long as we are a family, we should do stuff together and keep all negative emotions bottled up without resolving them. My mother believes that by being optimistic alone will resolve all negative feelings.

My short meditation experience have taught me that because my family has never had any interests in listening to what I have to say, I have learned to internalize my dialogue into my head. When I watch my thoughts, the dialogue goes on non-stop all day long. When I feel really strongly about something it is next to impossible to stop the mind chattering. I will keep working on it though.

I also really need more socializing in my life. Finally broke up with bf. It's been really difficult because he has been like a best friend and I really needed companionship and someone to talk to. I used to only want to hang out with him and not bother making friends. But he got jealous that I wanted to spend time with my new found friends, but at the same time was not motivated to do activities with me. We would often just stay in his house the whole weekend and watch youtube videos. That is not the kind of life style I want for long term.

There will be some changes to work, but certain situations remain the same. Many individuals complain about the same things constantly ( I guess I used to be one of them) without bothering to make much changes. I need to figure out how to not be affected by all the negativities.

I realize this post is very long-winded. If possible I would actually like to quit my job and create a more focused blog instead of this rant-style diary type blog. Alas, I will tough it out for one more year. If academia doesn't work out then I will go try something new and work on my inter-personal skills. Actually, even if it works out (if I publish well), I'm not sure if I want to stay in this field. It is too competitive and I feel like I'm just playing catch up constantly. Also I feel like I've just being exploited by all the irresponsible ego-centric bosses. It's time to take my life back in my own control again.

New Year's Resolution for 2015

Happy New Year! I have actually wrote quite a few pieces but so many of them have been negative and a repeat of the same stuff I've be going on and on forever that I decided to spare my reader the misery of having to read them.

Going back to 2014's New Year resolutions, I am sad to say I only managed to made some progress on 2 things - took taichi lessons and submitted my work for publication  (currently working on revisions of the said work). Everything else: exercise regularly, blog regularly, get to work on time, manage myself at work better -- all failed miserably.

2014 was not exactly a productive year... going to work at 2 locations on the opposite side of town was the most unproductive arrangement ever. I felt like I did not belong to either labs and was isolated by coworkers on both sides. I experienced my first pseudo-break up. I was terribly home sick. I didn't know if I would still have a job at the end of the year or if I would be deported out of the country. The year ended with me going back to Taiwan and experiencing the exact same fiasco that I went through every year when I meet my mother.

Except this time I've finally learnt my lesson: my chaotic life forces me to keep growing/adapting, while my parents very settled life makes them hang on to their old ways of thinking and routines with every last bits of their energies. They will not respect my personal space or privacy ever, because this concept is non-existent in my household and the society condones it. So, if I still have work to do, be it job hunting or manuscript writing, I should not go home and be in the same physical space as my parents, as they will keep disturbing me to no end. I absolutely must finish all of my work before I choose to fly over to meet them.

Here are my resolutions for 2015 again - many overlaps with last year's resolutions.

1. Regular exercise regime. This time I really need to get it into my schedule somehow. Last year I managed to jog a little bit, but stopped after the weather got colder. Now that I work in a single location (thank god), I can access the gym regularly, and perhaps get a little yoga in, since taichi is not achieving what yoga used to do for me (calm me down + some muscle work out).

2. Wake up earlier. I was achieving this towards the end of the year, thanks to a colleague's tip: use a timer to turn on the lamp before my alarm clock. Works like a charm. I need the extra hour to get stuff done at work.

3. Publish!! I managed to get half way there. I need to push all the way ASAP for the rest of my work.

4. Relationship: bf is behaving, but we still cannot discuss future together. I give up. Just let it be. If future job opportunities arise in other countries, I will just pack my bags and go. My own personalities (tendency to be negative, too much fear in connecting with the opposite sex, stubbornness, tendency to criticize and point out the shortcomings of other people, etc.) brought me to where I am today. If he is not the type to commit so be it. Can't force someone to do what he doesn't want to do.

5. Work: figure out my next step before my contract runs out again. Last year was way too stressful. This means better time management, finish what I have started, and schedule time to look for that next job.

6. Reduce anxiety. I cannot accomplish any of the above if I do not achieve this point. Up to yesterday I have been extremely anxious, especially during the period I spent with family. I clench my teeth while sleeping. My muscles tense up so much my calves and feet cramp almost every night. I often want to snap at people. I breath too shallowly. I cannot sit still for long -- attempts to meditate fail after 30 seconds. Scheduling laundry time drives me bananas. I hope this year I will take everything easier.

Nothing is the end of the world, even if I lose my laundry time, my bf, or my job. I live in a cold country where no one really cares about me, my family only cares if I dress warm enough, have enough food and nothing else, my job is like a joke, and my bf cares about video games and sex more than the relationship itself. My life is utterly absurd, but realizing this seems to help me relax. 2015 will be the year where I work on my mental and physical health. Nothing else really matters any more.

Happy New Year!! New Year's resolutions for 2014

Happy New Year from Asia!! Seems like I go right back into my mindless eating habits, stuffing my face like mad. Luckily I'm only here for two weeks so hopefully the weight-gain will not be overly substantial. Family members still behaves pretty consistently with how they've always acted (behaviors in which for the past 10 years I had found to be quite annoying). But now I'm looking at their behaviors in a different light, so that is interesting. It would be really nice if I myself can look at them in a more compassionate and tolerant way, which it is difficult, but I am trying.

My New Year's resolutions for 2014:

- Learn Taichi and/or qigong -- learn to move my chi to improve energy/alertness

- Exercise more -- I would like to improve my cardio fitness

- Continue to work on my arm balances -- my shoulder and upper body weight-bearing capacity have improved, but there are still a lot of room for further strengthening

- Publish publish publish!! Must focus more on work when I get back.

- Try harder to get to work on time -- been getting to work late every day for the past few months.

- Blog more often -- want to aim for at least once a week.

- Manage myself at work better... I don't know how I will succeed at this but I really need to work on it. Try to get along with my co-workers better and communicate better with the boss. Lots of new challenges happening next year so I need to be more confident to face them!

- In terms of yoga, I think I need to work more on strengthening, more mindful of movements and avoid over-stretching, and really do more pranayama + meditation

Hope I can achieve at least some of these points!! Will work on all of them for sure (I just don't know for how long)!

p.s. Just watched this video, "Try something new for 30 days". I think one suitable activity to try could be daily pranayama exercises (at least one, say alternative nostril breathing, but ideally more than one, like breath of fire and other techniques) for 30 days.

Will keep you updated on my progress.

New Year's Reflection

2010 was the year that I found yoga. I completely immersed myself in this activity, practicing 2-5 times/week for the entire year, trying out various styles (Hatha, yin, Anusara, Ashtanga, Power yoga, Hot yoga, pilates, etc. etc. etc). I read yoga journal articles and yoga books almost daily (often at school); I went to yoga workshops and even attended a yoga conference. It was a lovely experience by the way.  Senior teachers are such lovely people, and the experience taught me to pick alignment principles that fits me personally rather than adhering to a certain yoga style, since different styles often have directly opposing instructions for certain asanas.  I also started looking at other activities related to yoga and wellness - using myself as a guinea pig to try out acupuncture, chiropractic, various styles of massages, sound therapy (Tibetan singing bowls / harmonium / chanting), meditation, and everything science dismisses as "alternative", ie. "that which has not been shown consistently to be effective". Can you say obsessive compulsive? I had so much fun doing this though, at the expense of neglecting my thesis.

Don't get me wrong; I still believe in the value of science.  In the alternative therapy/holistic wellness world both practitioners and patients / customers / students seem to have a lot of difficulty distinguishing between the effective aspects from the completely BS aspects.  It's just that being so rigorous, a scientific study first has to reduce any problem into a simple testable situation where all variables except for one are controlled. Not all problems can be simplified this way, especially with alternative therapies, where results are based on subjective patient experience.  Neither the problems (say, chronic discomfort/pain) nor the solutions (a reduction in some aspects of the discomfort) can be easily measured by an instrument.   In many cases, the simple fact that the practitioner paid attention to the patient / customer / student and/or simple human touch can reduce discomfort.

So, uh, why was I doing this again? I think I just got really sick of the BS in academia.  Also, studying a single topic that no one around me cares about (both in every day life and even within my lab/school) became hell three years into my studies. I was in serious depression for a long time, while my family just thought I was a spoiled brat acting up. Once I found yoga, the amount of available reference materials, company and support made this activity seemed like a 7-star all-inclusive resort, and I hurled myself at it.  People who don't practice yoga still didn't care about my new-found passion, but at least there's a classroom of people + an online community that shared my obsession.

Yoga provided comfort and pampering when I was feeling emotionally isolated and helpless. But it couldn't help me focus on my project. It took this grand trip to provide me the motivation to really want to finish my grad student way of living and move on with life. It was really hard to focus toward the end of last year. All I could think of all day long was my evening yoga classes. I hope this year I can actually focus on my thesis during day time and only think about yoga during the actual yoga classes. Nobel mentioned about energy levels being low on days without yoga practice.  My energy level hypes up after yoga in the evening, but if I practice yoga in the morning, I often need a nap afterwards. I noticed that while I was traveling, my energy level and alertness could be quite high throughout the day for many days in a row.  I think it's because of all the stimulations of new surroundings, plus the fact that the tour leader took all the stressful factors  (finding transportation and accommodation, planning the itinerary, considering safety issues) out of my trip.  I was so "awake" and so receptive to new sights, smell, and hearing for such a prolonged period of time at once, it was like being on drugs without the side effects.

Now that I am back home, I feel re-charged and ready to tackle the last bit of my thesis project.  I hope the new found energy level is strong enough to carry me through to graduation.  After not doing any yoga for 3 weeks, it'll be interesting to see how it feels once I start it again.   I am looking forward to establishing a routine once again but am hoping for new thoughts about my old life.  I'm a greedy person I guess.. greedy about new thoughts, ideas and sensations.  It's what keeps me going :)