Using climbing to keep my depression tendencies in check

As I have mentioned before, I have depression tendencies. The worst was when I completed my graduate school, I cried my hearts out. The whole graduate school experience was depressing. I felt like a total failure, since I had to drag on for 6+ years even though it was clear from the beginning the supervisor didn't like me, and the project I worked on became a drag 3 years into it. I could barely get out of bed. I felt like I had no motivation to apply for jobs or do anything else. Then I got a job offer after not so many applications. I was so excited! I felt like I came back to life.

Recently I felt like I got back into almost the same situation again. No matter how hard I worked on it, my boss didn't like my work. It was a confidence killer. I dreaded applying for jobs again. But this time, I understand what is happening to me. Perfectionist bosses make me feel like I am worthless. They make me feel like my absolute hardest efforts just aren't good enough for them. They make me feel like I am stupid, sloppy, useless, ignorant, foolish, helpless.

I managed to apply for more jobs this time than last time, and I made sure I went climbing regularly. Climbing is super informative of what you should pay attention to and what can be sloppier. For certain routes, if my foot slips, it feels super scary, even though I usually manage to hang on with my hands. But then I make a mental note that my footwork is bad. The activity gives a ton of feedback to me: route is too easy, just right, too hard, etc. Certain terrains terrify me regardless of difficulty (aretes come into mind); certain moves feel very off balancing; foot slips can cause huge scares; finally, big steps without handholds are so scary they often prompt me to cheat (grab holds that are not part of my route). These challenges are honest. They literally keep me on my toes. When I finally reach the top, the feeling of accomplishment is so amazing. But even the climbing process itself is so utterly rewarding. I can feel I am somehow not able to exert full force, or my forearms are pumping like crazy but the adrenaline (or just fear of falling) allows me to hold on for several seconds longer because I am only 2 moves away to a comfortable resting spot. Overcoming the soreness and the fear from every hard move brings me so much joy and gratefulness. It's truly an activity that provides constant feedback and rewards, something that has been sorely missing from my life for more than a decade.

Some people are cheerful 95% of the time. I have no idea if they actually feel that way, or if they just fake it because they believe they should act positive and never upset other people with Debbie Downer-type behaviours. I certainly feel depressed and pessimistic by default, and need to actively put in efforts to maintain cheerfulness. Even when I am in a good mood, it's so easy for a negative comment or just someone's look/micro-expression on their face to puncture my cheerfulness balloon. I am so glad I have found climbing to be a consistent mood picker-upper. Other things like sweets, alcohol, or socializing, have never been nearly as dependable mood enhancers. Even if they do, it often feels superficial, unlike climbing, which goes quite deep into the nerves, tendons, and bones. Yoga used to do it, but I blame my first yoga studio for being too amazing (gorgeous, empathetic and fantastically skilled teachers; studios was always perfectly heated, with essential oil-scented air, infrared sauna and complementary yummy herbal teas) that I have trouble replicating the same level of satisfaction. Oh well. Can't be too greedy. Not every city in the world is blessed with a plentitude of fantastic climbing gyms with pretty awesome facilities and well-set climbing routes. I really should be grateful that I am able to keep my depression in check. I sincerely hope everyone else with depression could find their own remedies. I don't really know if depression can be "cured". For me, it feels like it's always there in the background, even when I've had the perfect day, being showered with love and pampering. My mom gets very mad at me about this. She needs me to claim that I am happy and grateful with my excellent life so she can feel good about her accomplishment of raising  children from baby to adults. I struggle really badly with her lack-of-boundary issues. I am a separate human being no longer tied to her, not her show dog. But I recognize now that it is impossible for her to change her way of thinking (for the better) about me and about this world.

So I keep climbing. I wish I could climb more often but I get very sore and exhausted. I feel like I need many days of rest after a tough boulder session. I don't know if it would be better if I force myself to climb for shorter time (usually I climb until near total exhaustion). I feel like if I don't try hard boulders, I would never improve though. And I really enjoy getting stronger. 

Meditation practice and morning grogginess

Even though I have started a daily morning meditation practice, I am still as scatter brained as ever. On my way to do thing A (eg. take a shower), I get distracted and end up playing an hour of cell phone game. Or I am supposed to find some cleaning cloth to wipe off a stain from the dining table, then I forget what I am looking for and end up sorting through my makeup basket for nail polish. I'm hopeless that way.

However, one thing that seems to have improved in the short time I have been meditating 10-30min a day is that waking up in the morning seems much easier now. Normally it's extremely difficult for me to get out of the bed every morning. I wake up feeling very groggy, maybe in the middle of a dream that I can't even remember. Often my brain goes back to making up some dream plot and I fall back to sleep again. This struggle happens every day. Now I wake up, and my head is clear, not clinging on to some story plot that leads to nowhere. I don't mean I feel alert enough to do complex tasks, but I don't feel drowsy, yucky, painfully reluctant to fully wake up as I feel most of the time. Of course it helps that the days are getting longer and I wake up in day light instead of in the dark, but the brightness feeling of the brain is certainly refreshing.

I didn't mention that over Christmas when I visited my parents, I was waking up in the middle of the night in cold sweat with crazy ideas of mash up of things that happened during the day. I was just out of a job and my brain desperately wanted to come up with new ideas for my next gig. It was a combination of jetlag and stress-inducing mom that brought about this. I need to accept that visiting mom will always be stressful, because mom just has a very different personality that me and I can't really change her.

Anyways, I am documenting the benefits meditation has brought about so far. Being able to just wake up without an alarm clock (at 5:30am, no less) is amazing. I hope this effect lasts for awhile. 

Drifter mentality

So on my second last working day, I got a short term contract extension with another professor. For now I don't need to leave Sweden, which is good news. But at the same time, I do not know what is my next step. I applied for another job in Canada, and got positive initial response from the potential supervisor, but it's again a short term employment.

I hang out with the boy again on the weekend (I guess it's not considered as an ex-... more like a friend with benefits). It's always great fun hanging out with him, but at the end of every get together I feel a sense of profound sadness, because there is no future between us. He is sad I will leave, but has no intention of keeping me either. I actually made an attempt to see other people, but I have trouble getting excited about starting a new relationship with someone else.

The 2014 Nobel prizes were announced recently. I was very excited about the physiology and medicine prize going to neuroscience. I had the fortune to listen to Dr. Edvard Moser talk about his research last year... it was very computationally complex (him and his wife study grid cells -- cells in our brains that help us navigate around this world), to the point I had trouble understanding it. I think he is very deserving of his award, but I don't know how to get excited about my own work.

I spent an hour listening to Dr. Robert Sapolsky's Stanford lecture on depression on Youtube. It was very educational. I have no doubt I have the gene variant where repeated stressors in life increases my chances of developing depression by 30 fold. My life experience has also subjected me to "learned helpless" as mentioned in the lecture.

What can I do about my situation? I did not like not being left hanging, uncertain if I would have a job or not until the last minute, but I do like this new lab I'm in, at least for now. At the same time, if my contract does not get extended again, I feel like I want to go on a retreat or a volunteer mission rather than straight into the next job, where I have to over-stress myself learning 10 million new things again. The thing is, would a yoga retreat or volunteer trip help me? The last time I went on one I got even more depressed. It's hard to know if I should try more aggressively to control my life, or to go with the flow (my previous boss called me a "drifter"). The former approach is difficult, since I don't know exactly what I want right now. Well, I want a supportive social network (and a partner in life), but those things can't exactly be forced. I have an okay chance with finding myself a job with a longer contract, but I have not decided where I want to move to next.

Just gotta stay brave and keep trying new things I guess.