Using climbing to keep my depression tendencies in check

As I have mentioned before, I have depression tendencies. The worst was when I completed my graduate school, I cried my hearts out. The whole graduate school experience was depressing. I felt like a total failure, since I had to drag on for 6+ years even though it was clear from the beginning the supervisor didn't like me, and the project I worked on became a drag 3 years into it. I could barely get out of bed. I felt like I had no motivation to apply for jobs or do anything else. Then I got a job offer after not so many applications. I was so excited! I felt like I came back to life.

Recently I felt like I got back into almost the same situation again. No matter how hard I worked on it, my boss didn't like my work. It was a confidence killer. I dreaded applying for jobs again. But this time, I understand what is happening to me. Perfectionist bosses make me feel like I am worthless. They make me feel like my absolute hardest efforts just aren't good enough for them. They make me feel like I am stupid, sloppy, useless, ignorant, foolish, helpless.

I managed to apply for more jobs this time than last time, and I made sure I went climbing regularly. Climbing is super informative of what you should pay attention to and what can be sloppier. For certain routes, if my foot slips, it feels super scary, even though I usually manage to hang on with my hands. But then I make a mental note that my footwork is bad. The activity gives a ton of feedback to me: route is too easy, just right, too hard, etc. Certain terrains terrify me regardless of difficulty (aretes come into mind); certain moves feel very off balancing; foot slips can cause huge scares; finally, big steps without handholds are so scary they often prompt me to cheat (grab holds that are not part of my route). These challenges are honest. They literally keep me on my toes. When I finally reach the top, the feeling of accomplishment is so amazing. But even the climbing process itself is so utterly rewarding. I can feel I am somehow not able to exert full force, or my forearms are pumping like crazy but the adrenaline (or just fear of falling) allows me to hold on for several seconds longer because I am only 2 moves away to a comfortable resting spot. Overcoming the soreness and the fear from every hard move brings me so much joy and gratefulness. It's truly an activity that provides constant feedback and rewards, something that has been sorely missing from my life for more than a decade.

Some people are cheerful 95% of the time. I have no idea if they actually feel that way, or if they just fake it because they believe they should act positive and never upset other people with Debbie Downer-type behaviours. I certainly feel depressed and pessimistic by default, and need to actively put in efforts to maintain cheerfulness. Even when I am in a good mood, it's so easy for a negative comment or just someone's look/micro-expression on their face to puncture my cheerfulness balloon. I am so glad I have found climbing to be a consistent mood picker-upper. Other things like sweets, alcohol, or socializing, have never been nearly as dependable mood enhancers. Even if they do, it often feels superficial, unlike climbing, which goes quite deep into the nerves, tendons, and bones. Yoga used to do it, but I blame my first yoga studio for being too amazing (gorgeous, empathetic and fantastically skilled teachers; studios was always perfectly heated, with essential oil-scented air, infrared sauna and complementary yummy herbal teas) that I have trouble replicating the same level of satisfaction. Oh well. Can't be too greedy. Not every city in the world is blessed with a plentitude of fantastic climbing gyms with pretty awesome facilities and well-set climbing routes. I really should be grateful that I am able to keep my depression in check. I sincerely hope everyone else with depression could find their own remedies. I don't really know if depression can be "cured". For me, it feels like it's always there in the background, even when I've had the perfect day, being showered with love and pampering. My mom gets very mad at me about this. She needs me to claim that I am happy and grateful with my excellent life so she can feel good about her accomplishment of raising  children from baby to adults. I struggle really badly with her lack-of-boundary issues. I am a separate human being no longer tied to her, not her show dog. But I recognize now that it is impossible for her to change her way of thinking (for the better) about me and about this world.

So I keep climbing. I wish I could climb more often but I get very sore and exhausted. I feel like I need many days of rest after a tough boulder session. I don't know if it would be better if I force myself to climb for shorter time (usually I climb until near total exhaustion). I feel like if I don't try hard boulders, I would never improve though. And I really enjoy getting stronger. 

Feeling more positive

After 2.5 years in Europe, finally I am going to get some visitors. I have learned a lot over the past years. I learned that I am really bad at picking up new technical knowledge and organizing them into a coherent report. I get distracted too easily and thus am very inefficient. I am terrible at socializing and would rather hang out with the fwb than to go out and find a better boyfriend/companion. As a cynical introverted pessimist, being surrounded by other negative, cynical, pessimistic, and introverted people just make my own conditions even worse. I am learning more about how my friends are like, who to be careful for and who to be appreciative about.

Luckily these days I am feeling better about myself. I went on a full day interview which didn't actually go that well,but I am in a position where I don't have to take the job so it's good practice. I learned where my weaknesses are, so i can improve on it if i need to go on more interviews. I met up with a yoga friend couple, who were extremely hospitable, which was very much needed, having spent so long with non-warm people here. Both events were really uplifting. 

I was sort of reluctant to take up the job because I didn't think I was ready to leave Europe. But the thing is, I came here so I could travel, but I haven't been traveling nearly as much as I had hoped. The last time I traveled alone to Edinburgh, I found it to be one of the coolest cities I have ever visited but I felt so alone the whole time I was there. It never used to be an issue a few years back. I think I am at a stage in my life where friendship matters more than adventures. For most people, that is probably always the case, but For me I have really undermined my friendships my whole life. That is why I have been able to travel so much on my own and could move to a country where i didn't know a soul for work purposes. However, I don't really care to do it again, unless a really excellent opportunity arises.

At the whole day interview, everyone kept asking me what are my career plans. I could not really give a clear answer. It's because  I have never considered my career in terms of which position I want to get. I have always thought of it as to be able to work on as many cool projects as I can eat my hands on, and hope that the skills and knowledge i acquire during the project would get me my next job. I probably should have said that at the interview but I didn't dare to. Also, most conventional thinking *is* about the position: to become a professor, a director, a manager, a producer, etc. 

I have been pretty depressed for the past few years because I wasn't given the resources to learn the knowledge that I need to do a good job. I have completed 0 projects so far (although 2-3 are close to completion). I have no good friends nearby. My relationship with parents, relatives, boyfriend, bosses, colleagues, and even friends back home are very crappy. Recently I am understanding the fwb a bit better than I used to. A couple girls at work have better personalities than others. My work contract got extended last minute. I think I have a good chance of getting the job I interviewed for (being acquaintances with the guy doing the hiring makes all the difference). I really think it's the kindness of people that have uplifted me from my normal depressed self.

I have decided it is time to reevaluate the positions of all my friends and acquaintances in my head. Some I considered to be my closest friends need to be lowered in terms of dearness. Those who are warm and accepting... I need to make the effort to interact with them more. 

I am happy to be feeling more calm and content recently. The sunshine helps. Let's hope the good mood continues.