Monday, January 30, 2012

Run, run, run away

It's so ironic that yoga is supposed to help me be a calmer, nicer person, but I am becoming a super bitch the longer I stay at home in Taiwan.

I have a confession to make: the only reason I am staying in Taiwan for so long is because I am waiting to go to India for a month of yoga study. I don't know why I was so stupid and didn't finish all the errands before I came back to Taiwan. I naively thought that Taiwan is developed enough that I can do a few simple things once I get here, like confirming my flight schedule, exchanging/transferring some money, printing a few things, etc. I called the airline in Taiwan and the customer representative was totally useless. I went to a bank and the teller doesn't know how to wire transfer money to a non-western country. Nobody told me banks are closed for the entire week during Chinese New Year. They just assume I should know about it. Any time I ask a question, friends and family would eagerly tell me they can help me, or they have a friend who can help me, when in fact neither they nor their "friends" know much about what I am asking for. I wish I could just be referred to professionals, but I don't live in a very convenient place and it seems very important for my family to try to solve my questions "for" me by asking the wrong people rather than admitting they don't know what I I am talking about and let me find information myself over the Internet or call a professional to find out. If I want to purchase an item, they would insist they know the cheapest place to buy it. It would take from hours to days just to get something simple like an alarm clock. I think I end up saving like 50 cents more, when everything is already cheaper in Taiwan than in North America. This whole time everyone keeps showing hospitality by offering to show me around. I ended up feeling more stressed out than entertained when I got dragged around to way too many tourist locations in one day. Today I spent hours and hours in the car, where I was taken to bakeries, restaurants, junk food stores and night markets quite a ways from where we live. Luckily I have already visited this place (Yi-Lan) before, or else I would be seriously bummed to have the chance to visit a place known for its gorgeous sceneries but never get to see any of it.

I am sad to say I was not a very nice person today. I have done nothing but eat way too much food for the past 2 weeks. I realize I should be grateful for all the kindness, but getting me to try out delicious local delicacies when I am already full is torture rather than enjoyment. Walking up and down crowded night markets for hours where every vendor screams at you to buy their stuff is not a relaxing exercise. I can't take deep breaths either because air quality is terrible in crowded places with too much traffic. I really hate the way I am right now. I exude terrible energy and I know I make people around me unhappy. I desperately want people to leave me alone. I think I can go back to my calm self if they stop offering me things (eg. food and "help"), but they seem to double their effort in their offerings the more frustrated/bitchier I get. Stop feeding the angry beast!

I don't know why my family brings out the worst in me. I am never like this around anyone else. It's not just a matter of control. Nobody else generates such strong negative reactions within me. Probably because nobody else would repeatedly force me to do things I don't want to do, even if the forcefulness/strong insistance come from kind intentions. Meditation, deep breaths, gaps between thoughts, all that go out the window. I feel like a train wreck unable to shut up, just politely decline and get away.

It's only a couple more days before I head for India. It's not going to be an easy trip because I bought a ticket with way too short of a connection time, transferring at one of the crappier airports. I am sure there will be plenty of challenges for me to somehow make it to my destination. I was pretty nervous about it before I arrived in Taiwan, but my family managed to make other supposedly easy errands over-complicated as well, so I can't even discuss about this with them. Somehow I still think the chaos in India will be easier to deal with than my current situation. I will let you know otherwise. The yoga itself will undoubtedly be awesome. I wonder how much things will change afterwards. Not expecting magic bullets but I hope the yoga will help.

16 comments:

  1. Hello Yyogini,
    I really wish I can say something more helpful, but all I can say is: I feel your pain. I don't know if this is an Asian thing (apparently not: many of my American friends report the same thing as well), but it seems that parents and family always have the uncanny ability to push one's buttons and make one feel like a kid again (in a bad way). But hey, at least you're going to India in a couple of days. So hang in there. When you get to India, things will at least be... different.

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    1. Hi Nobel, you are totally right, India would be "different". Living with old parents is like living with children who won't admit they don't know stuff. It would be easier if I lived on my own rather than at my parents. Maybe next time I should consider staying at a hotel, or stay for a shorter period of time.

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  2. Almost there Y! I am selfishly awaiting your impressions of the workshop. David Garrigues is someone I really relate to. Just love his earnest enthusiasm.

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    1. Almost there! Excited but also nervous about the journey. It's going to be interesting I am sure.

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  3. Hmmm...David Garrigues teaches a number of my friends,and I sometimes see him and his students after class, drinking coffee at the Good Karma Cafe, here in Philly. Maybe next time, you should come here...

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    1. Lol thanks YogaforCynics. I was thinking next time I might visit Mysore, but Philly may be a possibility too if I really love David's teaching.

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  4. Sending you tons of love and strength!! you got this - remember that this wont last forever. one day you'll look back at this and just laugh <3333

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    1. Thanks Teeg! I'm in a different state right now but better than the state I was in before!

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  5. Sometimes, it is much harder to love family than friends :)

    Take miseries as divine blessings for your own good and be thankful - Sahaj Marg Maxim #5

    Have fun at David's workshop!

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    1. It's true. I hope I can grow up soon and appreciate all the divine blessings around me better.

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  6. I was just thinking about you and wondering why you haven't tweeted in a while. Ah! You're home for the Lunar New Year and then off to India!

    Feel your pain. hang in there -

    Virtual hugs!

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    1. Thanks for the hug Cory! Love the cyber shala support!

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  7. YY-
    I grew up in Taiwan too and I can understand a lot of where you are coming from. I don't know why, I had already been wondering if you were Asian when I was reading your posts last year. The culture shock is a bit much sometimes, and I think the locals are less tolerant of overseas Taiwanese than a foreigner who is not ethnically Taiwanese. I haven't been back to Taiwan in many years and sadly, that's one of the reasons. That's one thing I have to get over, especially now that I practice yoga... But I am glad you finally made the ass kicking (pun intended) journey to re-acquainted with the primary series. Take Care! Yoginibunny

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    1. Thank you Yoginibunny! It'll be my life time task to make peace with my native culture. Will probably take years.

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    2. Hence, there is yoga, right? There are days when yoga is super healing and then there are others when yoga has become another competitive activity, something I strive for with way too much attachment to the results. But, thank goodness for yoga, it has made me more mindful and aware of my crazy mind, and to step outside and observe this crazy mind. Keep breathing, girl, and know that you have company on this little journey :-) hugs!

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