I meant to blog so many times but it never happened. It's what happens when I have to learn so much new things on a computer.. no desire to do non-work stuff on computer after I go home. Having no internet connection at home also discourages blogging.
I'm working in Europe right now. Getting paid less than local PhD students. So I'm the cheap foreign labor.... now I get a taste of how immigrants from 3rd world country feel like moving to a 1st world country (a mixture of gratitude, awe, homesickness, and some bitterness). So why did I sign up for this job? Well, the project is much bigger scale than most of the research I've seen in Canada. I am given the opportunity to work on something "hot" in the field for which I have very little hands-on experience. How could I resist? The upside to my job is that the office is super fancy, with those ergonomic chairs that can be adjusted in 100 different ways. I get a giant computer screen and a fancy MacBook. I will just pretend that a gigantic part of my salary went to pay for these fancy items, and that's why my pay check is so tiny at the end of the month.
I went from dreamy-eyed "oh my gawwwwwd everything is so pretty in this European city" in the first week to an anxiety attack today, angry why the locals weren't more helpful (coz they don't know how it feels like to move to a foreign country and they were expecting the new colleague to be an expert, not a total rookie who needs step-by-step instructions on how to use the computer). It's kind of fascinating how I've been thinking myself to total happiness, being super thankful for getting this job, and to have a boss who actually cares about his employees. Today on the way home I managed to think myself to tears, because I thought I lost my wallet, and then I thought about how I've been having so much trouble applying for a local residence permit, how I don't have the same rights and benefits of EU citizens so wtf am I doing in Europe; how everyone here seems to be so happy with friends and family while I'm all alone, that it's too cold for October, etc etc ( you can see the negative vortex of dark thoughts dragging me deeper and deeper towards misery). I'm not sure why my brain does this to me, even though my actual situation hasn't changed much since I arrived here. Perhaps it was because of the unproductive struggle I had with the computer server today.
Yoga doesn't seem all that popular here. I suddenly miss home, where there are a million activities available, including a new parcour gym that just opened up, not to mention other fun activities like Zumba, the Bar Method, Jazzercise, Acroyoga, my lovely studio with all my yoga teacher friends and fellow yogis. I don't really know what people do here besides jogging and and biking to and from work. North America seems much better at profiting from people's desire to try out new things to get a good work out. Too bad there are no decent jobs in my field back home where I live. Other colleagues from my field are all struggling to find work or they put up with less than ideal job positions. I guess one must choose to either strike a balance or put more weight on either career advancement or life comforts. I chose the former while my friends/excolleagues chose the latter. Nobody can be 100% satisfied all the time I guess.
Will try to blog more frequently about my life musings. In the mean time, I will keep struggling with waking up on time (I've been a depressed, unemployed bum for 9 months and it's been difficult adjusting to the 9-5 life styles again) and making progress at work.
Also, I really need to snap myself out of it whenever I think myself into a hopeless, bitter, depressing corner again.
I'm working in Europe right now. Getting paid less than local PhD students. So I'm the cheap foreign labor.... now I get a taste of how immigrants from 3rd world country feel like moving to a 1st world country (a mixture of gratitude, awe, homesickness, and some bitterness). So why did I sign up for this job? Well, the project is much bigger scale than most of the research I've seen in Canada. I am given the opportunity to work on something "hot" in the field for which I have very little hands-on experience. How could I resist? The upside to my job is that the office is super fancy, with those ergonomic chairs that can be adjusted in 100 different ways. I get a giant computer screen and a fancy MacBook. I will just pretend that a gigantic part of my salary went to pay for these fancy items, and that's why my pay check is so tiny at the end of the month.
I went from dreamy-eyed "oh my gawwwwwd everything is so pretty in this European city" in the first week to an anxiety attack today, angry why the locals weren't more helpful (coz they don't know how it feels like to move to a foreign country and they were expecting the new colleague to be an expert, not a total rookie who needs step-by-step instructions on how to use the computer). It's kind of fascinating how I've been thinking myself to total happiness, being super thankful for getting this job, and to have a boss who actually cares about his employees. Today on the way home I managed to think myself to tears, because I thought I lost my wallet, and then I thought about how I've been having so much trouble applying for a local residence permit, how I don't have the same rights and benefits of EU citizens so wtf am I doing in Europe; how everyone here seems to be so happy with friends and family while I'm all alone, that it's too cold for October, etc etc ( you can see the negative vortex of dark thoughts dragging me deeper and deeper towards misery). I'm not sure why my brain does this to me, even though my actual situation hasn't changed much since I arrived here. Perhaps it was because of the unproductive struggle I had with the computer server today.
Yoga doesn't seem all that popular here. I suddenly miss home, where there are a million activities available, including a new parcour gym that just opened up, not to mention other fun activities like Zumba, the Bar Method, Jazzercise, Acroyoga, my lovely studio with all my yoga teacher friends and fellow yogis. I don't really know what people do here besides jogging and and biking to and from work. North America seems much better at profiting from people's desire to try out new things to get a good work out. Too bad there are no decent jobs in my field back home where I live. Other colleagues from my field are all struggling to find work or they put up with less than ideal job positions. I guess one must choose to either strike a balance or put more weight on either career advancement or life comforts. I chose the former while my friends/excolleagues chose the latter. Nobody can be 100% satisfied all the time I guess.
Will try to blog more frequently about my life musings. In the mean time, I will keep struggling with waking up on time (I've been a depressed, unemployed bum for 9 months and it's been difficult adjusting to the 9-5 life styles again) and making progress at work.
Also, I really need to snap myself out of it whenever I think myself into a hopeless, bitter, depressing corner again.
Sorry Y, I know you told me before, but is it Oslo or Copenhagen where you're at? The cyber shala is a good place to find a shala you know? I will put my feelers out.
ReplyDeleteHi Serene, thanks for the offer. It's not that I can't find the yoga studios, it's that I don't have time to go at all. Can't wake up early enough in the morning and I leave work pretty late at the moment. Yoga will have to wait until I settle down.
DeleteYour practice will be there when you are able to return to it.
DeleteThank you Serene! I hope so too!
DeleteHi there, I just wanted to drop a line and say that it gets better, and easier! I moved to France five years ago and have been through ups and downs like what you're describing here. I used to blog a lot in the first couple of years (about France, and ashtanga), which helped with those feelings. Since I got married and had an instant family (3 stepkids at home), writing's fallen by the wayside, though it was such a good thing for me. I hear you about the hopeless, depressing corner one can feel oneself stuck in. You're reminding me how isolated one can feel at first in a new (old) country, overwhelmed by the complicated, slow administration and trying to understand what is required and expected of one...
ReplyDeleteI made a lot of friends through the blog and received a lot of help and advice about expat life in France, *and* about yoga...and now mostly keep up with those friends through Facebook, though recently I've been trying again to blog. I'm always missing it, so I need to find the time.
Anyway, have you found any yoga schools in your city? About one year in, I started practicing at a local studio and that's when my life really started to come together. I made French yoga friends, was offered a teaching job, and met my husband. I feel at home, now. I don't know how long you'll be staying in Europe, but I hope you'll find the advice, support, and friendship you need! Best of luck to you and if I can help in any way (as one non-EU citizen to another), please get in touch!
Wow.. thank you so much for this thoughtful comment Joy! I really appreciate it! I almost got a job position in France instead of Scandinavia. I'm pretty sure French rules and bureaucracy are even more complicated. I did find a couple of yoga schools online, but I will not be able to check them out physically until I settle down in a more permanent residence. The key for me is not to go down the "this is too much for me" thinking path, because really, life is fine for now. Thanks again for your concerns!
Delete