Friday, June 27, 2014

Even more confused than ever

I came back from a vacation, and everything has changed. There were long periods of time during the vacation where the bf avoided talking to me. The two of us buried our heads in our smart phones. I think my bf is getting sick and tired of me.

When I came back to work, the grad students found friends and alliances, and I feel like an island in my lab. New people have joined our lab, but I feel distant to everybody. Boss had a talk with me and while on the surface he acted like he wanted to help me, but really he's saying he pities me because he doesn't think so highly of me.

It was so good to see my friends back home though. The city was so green, so gorgeous. I felt like I could go back there today. Unfortunately neither job opportunities nor boyfriend potentials are abundant there.

The indecisive me has been activated. I am comfortable here, but the relationship is going cold. I want to find a good lab, but don't know if I am talented enough to make it into one. Does it make sense to take up some permanent job or to make another crazy move in some other exotic country or continent in hopes of finding a fantastic boss? Should I go home? Should I focus on my career or should I focus on finding true love?


  1. Ok, I don't know what's up with that comment, but, whatever. I'm very very glad you enjoyed your stay here. I think a boost in confidence is what will help guide you in your decision-making. There is some element of control here; you have many options and can decide where you want to move to and what your priorities are. When you begin to recognize your role in achieving your own happiness, I think the path(s) you will want to take will be more clear.

    And, um, no pressure or anything, but it would be awesome if you came back here! Sushi and VIFF!

    1. Hi Elisa (I deleted the spam above), thanks for commenting! You're right. I do have a lot of options, and I don't know how to prioritize (Iceland or Australia? Both are cool but so far away from home!) Also, I am dreading a series of rejections rather than viewing it all as a fun exploratory process. I'm also scared of finding a bad fit with my work environment again. But really, I should have less fear, and just go ahead and try more things.

      Sushi and VIFF are totally awesome, but cool job options back home... not so much available :(