Tuesday, October 15, 2019

New experiences climbing outside and intense emotions

I experienced a very intense week recently. It was a climbing vacation, and I was pushed to climb every day. I didn't know I could do it. I tried to keep it very easy on the first day. By the third and fourth day I was really tired. Then I thought I got used to it. But then when my brain could not will my body to do the moves that required a little extra stamina and strength (the type of exertion that normally triggers the ecstasy during climbing), I felt angry and defeated. I felt like I was not in control of my situation. On this trip I experienced anticipation, excitement, joy, adrenaline high, fear, anger, frustration, pain, helplessness, senes of accomplishment, boredom, confusion, dread, tiredness, stubbornness, impulsiveness. The trip brought out a lot of feelings and thoughts in me.

For one thing, I was very fortunate to be able to participate in such a trip. The weather was perfect; the setting was gorgeous ( by the Mediterranean Sea); the companions were intelligent people who have led very interesting lives; my partner was super accommodating to my weaknesses and complaints. I was expecting the trip to be a lot less strenuous, but was amazed my body could handle it. I learned that I could push my body to do a lot more than I thought I could. Climbing outside is so different than climbing indoors. In the gym you stand on these deliberate footholds, and follow a distinct path. On the rock, you are supposed to trust your feet to generate enough friction to stay on the angled wall with rough features on it. It's really different. My bunions were hurting after 2 days, so I didn't dare to push my feet harder into the wall, which meant I couldn't climb any harder. I tried to climb in a way that prevented aggravation of foot pain. It's good technique, but also limiting. I will take it easy and see if my feet feel better as they get stronger. If the pain persists I might not be able to climb higher grades in the future.

A lot of extra factors outdoors generate more fear and give the brain more factors to process. The wind; the sun; will this thin rock that I grab break off? Can this step hold my body weight? Many times I have to tell myself to breath, that I can get through this route. There was one 5a/5.7/5+ route where I felt very uncomfortable to push hard on my toes so I could grab higher and reach the next comfortable handholds / footholds. So I had to down-climb to the last quickdraw that I clipped to go down. That also felt really difficult as I had never down-climbed on rock walls before. I felt like I was gaining a lot of new experiences. The more I experience, the less scary they feel, the more my brain can handle it, and the better I can climb.

Because there were so many intense emotional triggers on this trip, I am reminded of how some of my friends used to tell me how "they are afraid to be bored". Yet they normally resort to activities like shopping, movie watching, socializing with friends, regular sight-seeing travels, alcohol drinking, and almost never adrenaline sports. I feel like when some people say they are bored, rather than craving true excitement, it means they want to be distracted. They do not want to be in a focused state. When I am up on the wall, there is no complaining I am tired, or bored. There is only problem solving so I can come down the wall safely eventually.

I'm hoping this experience will help me climb better in the future, both in the gym and outside. I'm also hoping it will help me  handle my emotions better in normal life.

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