Lead climbing -- a beginner again

So I feel like a beginner again, climbing route with big, juggy holds. I panic when I can't figure out where to place my feet and one hand comfortably. The rope from below pulls me in funny/scary ways (partly because bf is belaying quite tightly).

When I first got to 6b, the biggest challenge was to be able to do the power moves to reach the next hold, which can be quite far away. Now that I am doing all easy routes (5b's and 5c's), I never imagined the simple act of clipping the rope into a metal draw could cause so much soreness in the shoulder of the hand holding a handhold on the wall for stabilizing the body. I also don't seem to trust my new shoes: La Sportiva Finale on artificial rock footholds. I thought my footwork have gotten a lot better, but turns out they could use a lot more work. It's going back to the foundations:

- Better foot placement needed, better body positioning, arms should hang rather than kept bent, better breathing, keep movements slow and smooth, don't panic (breath!!), and remind myself that I am strong enough to get through these "easy" routes.

Through climbing, I'm noticing I have a ton of self doubt and self-distrust. Even though I end up topping all the routes I have tried so far, I had a lot of negative self talks while doing it, such as "I'm not going to make it", " I'm going to fall", "This route I chose is way too hard for me", etc. I panic super easy the moment I come to a spot where I'm not totally sure what to do next. The thing is, I usually end up resolving the problem. It's my brain's default mode for everything that I do. I'm not a good cheerleader for myself. I need to start believing in myself more.

I really think climbing is a good way to examine how my thinking habits work and try to change it to a more positive tune, or at a minimum, recognize all the self doubts and negative talks I do normally. Hopefully I learn to nip the negative self talk in the butt and feel more confidence about my capabilities.

Rock climbing progress after 1 year

The activity of climbing is like being on a hamster wheel or an angled treadmill -- you have to keep doing it to just move up in levels, or even just to stay at the same level. The moment you stop doing it (for more than a week), you slide back down in the amount of power, strength and endurance.

First I went on vacation for 3 weeks and did zero climbing. When I came back, even the simplest route (5b/5c) felt difficult. I guess that was somewhat understandable, given I wasn't exercising my body (especially upper body) much for like 20 days. But then, when I spent a month only bouldering, which emphasizes short bursts power moves, I also felt weak on the rope climbing wall, which consists of a series of moves requiring less power but more endurance. My wrists were really feeling it after a few routes. Climbing at my highest level (6b/5.10c) felt impossible.

Then when I started training for lead climbing (bringing the rope up the wall as one climbs, instead of having it set up at the top anchor, known as top rope), I picked the easiest routes on the wall (4 to 5bs). It felt super awkward to have the rope in between my legs instead of hanging from above. I also did not know exactly where to place my body to minimize energy usage. As a total chicken about slipping and falling to my death, I gripped the handholds super hard. One year of climbing seems to have provided me enough endurance to do a lot of over-gripping (read: waste more energy than necessary to keep me on the wall) the holds while still completing several easy routes. I would be sore the next day, feeling like I have trained pretty hard. Unfortunately, when I went back to the bouldering wall, I could no longer boulder at my highest level at bouldering (6a+/6b). 

So the situation for the last 3 months is somewhat frustrating, but also kind of illuminating about this activity. Even though I have been climbing every single week, I have been slipping back because I haven't been consistently pushing my limits. It's not like I feel I climb worse every week. In fact, I have been feeling better about being in a lot of awkward body positions. It's just that, specifically, hand/wrist strengths and power moves require consistent training. I can already see that by starting so late in life, I will not get super far in this sport. However, I am still hoping to build a foundation such that I can still climb 6A-6B when I am 50-60 years old.