July climbing progress

Although I don't feel I am getting much stronger, I feel more comfortable on hard routes now (7- /7s). My muscle endurance have improved. I can calm down and try a few different things, whereas previously if I encountered a route where I didn't know how to approach the next move, I would panic and pause for hanging right away.

Climbing is all about fighting discomfort/fear. The list of fears include:

- Discomfort about feeling out of balanced 

• I feel I'm not in control

- Discomfort about lack of body tension 

• Lots of core strength and stabilization muscles needed to hold oneself in mid air in odd positions 

- Discomfort of such strong exertion on the hands, shoulders, and back normally not experienced in every day life 

• Some days I am not even able to exert as much power as needed to do a move. Other days when I can, I feel powerful, amazed, ecstatic, gratified, and unsure how long I can maintain it. I still don't know where power is generated. Is it from the mind, or is it this Qi/energy flow, which theoretically originates from the abdomen and from the breaths

- Fear of heights

• I would try the next hard move if I were close to the ground, but not so far up the wall, or on an overhang route

- Fear for the next daunting next move 

• a dyno, Gaston, tiny crimp, unsure where to place one foot after the move, etc

- Fear of falling

• Uncertain if I can catch the next hand hold and keep myself on the wall
• Uncertain if I am strong enough to stick the next move
• Uncertain even if I succeed in the move, if I have the endurance to hang on for some seconds
• Uncertain if my foot would slip when I try to push myself up to grab the next hand hold

- Fear of letting go of a hand to clip the rope

• Again, need to learn to have body balance/body control/trust the feet won't slip/fingers are strong enough etc.

A lot of times I pre-rest in anticipation that my hand won't be able to hang on for long enough for me to clip a quick draw, but usually, when I just hang on and fight, I am able to hang on despite tired hands and slow clipping. It's all a matter of getting used to the stimulus and the environment.

A friend has a completely different approach to climbing. She talks a lot about goals, but she progresses extremely slowly. She is very lean (which is a good body type for climbing), but seems unable to build muscles. I suspects she needs to 1) climb harder, 3) work on horizontal traverses and body weight transfer footwork 3) eat more protein/fat, 4) lift some weights, 5) perhaps some body weight exercises like sit ups, leg lifts and push ups.  Not everyone is willing to put in that much efforts though. I personally get very antsy about not making any kind of progress, but maybe other people just want to have fun and not do supplemental work out just to improve in climbing.  

I hope there isn't another lockdown for us. I'm really hoping to become comfortable with lead climbing 7s by the end of 2020. Right now I can only top rope a few 7s, and I never feel fully comfortable on the routes. If there is indeed another lockdown, I will push myself do to more fingerboard hanging, elastic theraband exercises, and core strengthening exercises.

Climbing progress: I can still crimp!

Right now we can only go climb about once a week or less. 6+/7- routes were feeling difficult. However, as I was ready about to accept that I can only climb at this level for awhile, I found a 7 route with handholds and footholds set pretty close together (no big moves required), with very small handhold and footholds. I put on my Scarpa Vapor and gave it a shot. Turns out I still can stand on tiny footholds and hold on to relatively small handholds! The sad side: shoes hurt my feet quite a lot. So it's the shoe pain that limits my climbing right now.

I'm getting old: my body permanently feels somewhat sore now, even if I only go climbing once a week. I try to do some push ups at home. It's not my arms that are limiting, but my body, which has trouble holding the spine straight. The hypermobility is still there, even though I feel much less flexible than I used to when I practiced yoga regularly. My shoulders are not super happy when I do too many push ups. I feel like I need to do more high planks, since that seems to be quite challenging for me. I wonder if I will just permanently feel sore and discomfort in the body. 

Back to climbing after 2 months of quarantine

Every time I take a break from climbing, the body does not get the specific arm-pulling / lower back holding up legs / legs in lunge position / feet balancing on toes while I clip a rope to a quickdraw - type training. So when I get back to the wall, everything feels hard again. Pulling feels difficult; balancing on the wall feels unfamiliar; legs are shaky; the height / the wind raise the heart rate; calves can cramp up; the hips tweak in funny ways as I attempt to high step at a funny angle; a low level climb feels insecure; the hand skin start to hurt after a few short climbs. I don't yet get to climb at a level that gives me huge forearm burns, but my toes, the skin on my hands, my lower back all tell me "enough" after 4-5 beginner level routes.

During the quarantine, I have tried to do some hang boarding. They don't really help with the lower level climbs that don't require so much finger strengths. I have improved in my push ups and handstands against the walls, but my shoulders don't love this much heavy usage, so I have to take it easy.

I had the same approach as when I was young that I wanted to move up the grade difficulties. However, it's looking more and more like I will be climbing 6s/7s (6a's/6b's) 5.10 ranges forever due to this aging body. Maybe I need to change my approach to the sport, and focus on other things instead like breathing, smoothness of movements, and foot placement. I should stop worrying about grades and just focus on the joy of being on a climbing wall, enjoying the movement, being in balance, breathing smoothly, and conquer the fear of falling (secured with a rope of course).

My familiarity with uncertainties

There is now a full-blown Covid-19 pandemic in most parts of the world. People are frightened, in denial, following social distancing rules, defying social distancing recommendations, shouting that government should impose stricter measures in places with very few cases, claiming that the government should just let the virus infect the entire population to achieve herd immunity in places where hospitals are overwhelmed, the whole spectrum.

Many people have expressed great frustration about the uncertainties of it all: how long will this pandemic last? When can my kids return to school? When can we start traveling again? They mention that previously, they could plan their lives down to a T, and now everything is up in the air.

When I hear the descriptions of  how much control people previously had of their lives, I am actually totally envious of it. For me, surprises and uncertainties have been with me my entire life. My mother used to send me to summer camps with no notification until the day before the event. She told me about our immigration to a different continent where people spoke different languages and had different cultures a mere two months before we made the move, because we had to move out of our apartment that I lived for 3/4 of my life at the time, and stay at a temporary apartment for a month. She probably would have told me later if she could have. I have been carrying a perpetual anger my entire life. If I made plans with friends, she could easily tell me to cancel it and do something with her instead because her business was way more important than whatever it was I had planned. Even when I eventually did become independent, I still operated as if unexpected things would happen. In fact, I would put myself in very uncertain situations, like moving to foreign countries without knowing much about the details of a ton of things, such as taxes and insurances and local cultures etc. People would describe it as "brave", and I would feel confused about that description. I am not brave. I simply have never felt like I was in total control wherever I was located.

For the longest time, I have felt like a weak, inadequate, unprepared, disorganized person. I got good grades, but I don't know how to keep my lives and daily routines organized. Now I finally understand why. How do you keep yourself completely organized if you mom can send you off to some random places without warning at any time? What's the point of keeping everything in order if your mom can rearrange everything in your room because she doesn't like how it's currently arranged? The uncertainties, confusions, and feeling of inadequacy that normally competent people feel right now, are the exact feelings I have been feeling forever. Which means, perhaps, there has been a legitimate reason why I felt like such a helpless person. This pandemic throwing everything off is a very familiar feeling for me. I am used to living in constant uncertainties and fear.

I am trying to learn from people who still seem to be able to bring laughters and comfort to others during this difficult time. People who seem to be able to stay optimistic (not in an ignorant way), who can (non-sarcastically) joke about it all, and who can remain in good spirits while having a realistic understanding of the situation. This situation really is a good time to put our lives on hold, reevaluate what's really important in our lives, and what we formerly thought were important turn out to be not so important after all. This includes physical items, people in our lives, our values and notions, maybe also grudges, resentments, and other emotions.

Last climbing session before locking down of the country

How much things have changed within one week. Last week going climbing (or going out restaurants and bars) was not an issue at all. Today, thousands of people in the country have been tested positive for coronavirus (in Europe). The actual number could be 10 times higher, given the shortage of test kits. We are recommended to stay at home, avoid traveling, using public transportations, and going to crowded areas in general.

On the weekend, we decided not to go to climbing gym, and go outside to climb instead. This was the first time we went climbing outside on our own. We found some slab climbing, which means the wall tilts inwards (like an uphill), and handholds are not really needed for going up the wall. We were used to having our hands on juggy holds, so these walls, even though rated very low (UIAA 3-4, equivalent to 5.6-5.7), we didn't trust our feet so much, which meant my calves got really sore going up the wall. Also, I tried to hold on to the tiniest features on the wall, which didn't help with the actual climbing, but instead served to sooth my psyche.

So we got a good work out, breathed some fresh air (some asshole was chain smoking in the vicinity though), enjoyed the nature, and got a much-needed break from obsessively staring at the increasing coronavirus cases in this country and around the world.

The human brain is not used to dealing with exponential growth. It's amazing how quickly the number of cases in so many European country increase every day. It's also mind-boggling how some people continue to deny how serious this is, despite the amount of information out there exists for Wuhan and for Italy. I must admit, I am simultaneously addicted to checking the increases of coronavirus case numbers, reading about the pandemic news all over the world, and freaked out by the whole situation. The best thing I can do is to limit the amount of time I spend obsessively scanning through Twitter, Facebook, and news sites about Covid-19, and spend more time doing yoga and meditation instead. However, addictions are addictions... it's hard to deny the brain of dopamine hits.

The prospect of finding a job during a pandemic as the world's economy gradually slows down into a halt is not exactly rosy. I guess I should instead use this time to work on my coding skills instead. 

Finger strength in climbing

To push oneself up a climbing wall, one basically pushes the toe part of the shoes really hard into footholds (or the wall itself), and then grab the next handhold.  Grip it hard so one can move the body to the next position. During this transition, one should suck in the belly to activate the core so the body is tense when moving from one handhold to the next foothold or handhold. 

I had no clue this was how climbing worked in the first year. I had weak arms, no hand strength, weak back, weak core, and poor balance when I started. I would get "stuck" on super easy boulders. Moving a hand or a leg would result in me falling off the wall. The next handhold was often out of reach. It was often baffling to me what to do next half way through a boulder problem.

First my core got stronger, then the back and shoulders, and now I can feel my hands firming remaining on a hold even as I shift my body and foot around, snaking/reaching/swinging my way to the next foothold. As long as I have the grip, it is possible to try a move, fail, but still stay on the wall (due to that hand still hold me to the wall). Believe it or not, it's actually more tendon strength than muscle strength (I rarely get forearm pumps when I boulder). 

Recently, each time I climb, I reach that chi flow stage where I can seem to try one boulder problem after another and not feel sore. I usually bang my knees into the wall several times (because I am sloppy), and I just ignore it, and it doesn't affect my climbing. I have no soreness in the body (maybe slight shoulder soreness in the back of the armpit). I feel like I can go on climbing forever. The only signal forcing me to slow down and gradually boulder easier problems to cool down is my achy hand skin. The pain in the skins make it harder for me to grip the handholds precisely and strongly, so I know the session is coming to an end. 

Now that I have had a few hours rest, I feel the shakes in the shins/calves, in the back (the lats), in the abs, in the neck (as always). I will really feel it tomorrow. Last time I bouldered I felt sore for a whole week. Let's see how long this one lasts. I'm happy I am slowly building endurance though. This allows me to stay on the wall to work on tricky boulders. Before, I could only try a hard boulder once. If a move was too hard, then that problem would stay out of reach. Now my hands (and shoulders, and back, and core) are strong enough for me to try alternative moves. Very exciting!

Using climbing to keep my depression tendencies in check

As I have mentioned before, I have depression tendencies. The worst was when I completed my graduate school, I cried my hearts out. The whole graduate school experience was depressing. I felt like a total failure, since I had to drag on for 6+ years even though it was clear from the beginning the supervisor didn't like me, and the project I worked on became a drag 3 years into it. I could barely get out of bed. I felt like I had no motivation to apply for jobs or do anything else. Then I got a job offer after not so many applications. I was so excited! I felt like I came back to life.

Recently I felt like I got back into almost the same situation again. No matter how hard I worked on it, my boss didn't like my work. It was a confidence killer. I dreaded applying for jobs again. But this time, I understand what is happening to me. Perfectionist bosses make me feel like I am worthless. They make me feel like my absolute hardest efforts just aren't good enough for them. They make me feel like I am stupid, sloppy, useless, ignorant, foolish, helpless.

I managed to apply for more jobs this time than last time, and I made sure I went climbing regularly. Climbing is super informative of what you should pay attention to and what can be sloppier. For certain routes, if my foot slips, it feels super scary, even though I usually manage to hang on with my hands. But then I make a mental note that my footwork is bad. The activity gives a ton of feedback to me: route is too easy, just right, too hard, etc. Certain terrains terrify me regardless of difficulty (aretes come into mind); certain moves feel very off balancing; foot slips can cause huge scares; finally, big steps without handholds are so scary they often prompt me to cheat (grab holds that are not part of my route). These challenges are honest. They literally keep me on my toes. When I finally reach the top, the feeling of accomplishment is so amazing. But even the climbing process itself is so utterly rewarding. I can feel I am somehow not able to exert full force, or my forearms are pumping like crazy but the adrenaline (or just fear of falling) allows me to hold on for several seconds longer because I am only 2 moves away to a comfortable resting spot. Overcoming the soreness and the fear from every hard move brings me so much joy and gratefulness. It's truly an activity that provides constant feedback and rewards, something that has been sorely missing from my life for more than a decade.

Some people are cheerful 95% of the time. I have no idea if they actually feel that way, or if they just fake it because they believe they should act positive and never upset other people with Debbie Downer-type behaviours. I certainly feel depressed and pessimistic by default, and need to actively put in efforts to maintain cheerfulness. Even when I am in a good mood, it's so easy for a negative comment or just someone's look/micro-expression on their face to puncture my cheerfulness balloon. I am so glad I have found climbing to be a consistent mood picker-upper. Other things like sweets, alcohol, or socializing, have never been nearly as dependable mood enhancers. Even if they do, it often feels superficial, unlike climbing, which goes quite deep into the nerves, tendons, and bones. Yoga used to do it, but I blame my first yoga studio for being too amazing (gorgeous, empathetic and fantastically skilled teachers; studios was always perfectly heated, with essential oil-scented air, infrared sauna and complementary yummy herbal teas) that I have trouble replicating the same level of satisfaction. Oh well. Can't be too greedy. Not every city in the world is blessed with a plentitude of fantastic climbing gyms with pretty awesome facilities and well-set climbing routes. I really should be grateful that I am able to keep my depression in check. I sincerely hope everyone else with depression could find their own remedies. I don't really know if depression can be "cured". For me, it feels like it's always there in the background, even when I've had the perfect day, being showered with love and pampering. My mom gets very mad at me about this. She needs me to claim that I am happy and grateful with my excellent life so she can feel good about her accomplishment of raising  children from baby to adults. I struggle really badly with her lack-of-boundary issues. I am a separate human being no longer tied to her, not her show dog. But I recognize now that it is impossible for her to change her way of thinking (for the better) about me and about this world.

So I keep climbing. I wish I could climb more often but I get very sore and exhausted. I feel like I need many days of rest after a tough boulder session. I don't know if it would be better if I force myself to climb for shorter time (usually I climb until near total exhaustion). I feel like if I don't try hard boulders, I would never improve though. And I really enjoy getting stronger.