Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Waiting for my inner 2 year old to grow up

I haven't blogged for quite awhile because I've been in a mental mess the past couple of months, despite the fact that on the surface it looks like I've been just chilling and enjoying my time off doing nothing. I had the fortune to attend two great teachers' workshop lately. One was Srivatsa Ramaswami's pranayama/meditation/chanting weekend; the other was Sean Corn's Three Realm of Consciousness. Both workshops were absolutely amazing. I felt like I was meeting one of the world's most knowledgeable yogi who speaks good English during the weekend with Ramaswami. He gave yoga philosophy and theories straight from Krishnamacharya and from the ancient texts. With all the western teachers whose classes I've taken so far, I feel like everybody took the liberty to creatively reinterpret and expand on the original yoga philosophies. Nothing wrong with that, but I found it useful for me to hear the less "packaged", "feel-good", more of a "dry" version of the traditional yoga teachings. I signed up for Seane Corn's class because I needed some inspirational words; I needed to be reminded that everything that happens to me, especially the downers and the exceptionally crappy moments, are meant to be lessons to help the soul grow. ie. I will be able to look back on this period of extreme low and be able to learn from this.

It's funny. It feels like I haven't blogged for months, but it's only been a little over 1 month. It feels like I sent out hundreds of resumes and sadly, received no replies. But in reality I've only sent out something like 6 applications. You don't need to tell me that this doesn't sound like hard core job search efforts.

However, to me it's as if the past couple of month there was a time warp and reality warp. I feel exhausted as if I've been maxing out my energy every day, when in reality I barely do anything each day. I have been totally unmotivated to get myself on the yoga mat and complete a primary series practice on my own. I've been having crying spells; I'd nap all day long; I'd snap at my family even though they hadn't said or done anything wrong. We avoid each other now because they don't want to be around a time bomb and I don't want to be set off for no reason and I don't want to be an out-of-control agression-freak.

My external situation has actually been amazing in the past week. It's been raining forever but now the sun shines brightly; I got 2 job interviews out of the pathetically few jobs that I've applied to; I have several socially, academically and professionally successful friends going out of their way to coach me about how to get through this period and how to interview for jobs. The teachings from the yoga workshops should have provided me with enough wisdom to see through my dark moments and recognize my blessings. My rational mind recognizes and understands all the blessings around me and that situationally I'm in a really good place compared to, say, 3 weeks ago. Yet my inner two year old doesn't seem to be finished throwing her tantrum. It's like my internal state that's not controlled by the rational cognitive mind is still playing victim (the universe has wronged me) and refusing to believe that my life has never been that crappy in the first place and it's getting better now, if I can just pull myself together and follow the incredible step by step instructions given my friends who have brought themselves to success (people usually pay big bucks to get this kind of coaching).

This morning I had yet another uncontrollable crying spell while talking on the phone with a friend. It was as if I was testing my friendship or something. Sure enough, the friend remained totally patient and comforted me for what must have been an hour before I would calm down. Again, what a blessing it is to have a friend like that? But why the hell did I get into that in the first place? I'm not the type who cries to friends over the phone regularly.

I've read books which explain a lot but not everything that's going on with me:

The Emotional Life of Your Brain: How Its Unique Patterns Affect the Way You Think, Feel, and Live - And How You Can Change Them by Richard J. Davidson


I don't know if I just need to wait it out or muster more will power to reign in my emotional beast. Maybe there's some sort of emotional cleansing going on by itself. Maybe I'm just not disciplined enough. Maybe I've overloaded myself with too much information I can't process them properly. I just want the bratty, acting-out self to grow up and move out already so I can live a more sane life. Wish me luck!


  1. Hey - it sounds like you are looking for an academic job, perhaps? which is extremely stressful. It also sounds like you are depressed.

    Based on my own experience with both, I'd strongly urge you to consider discarding the paradigm expressed in your last paragraph (rein in the emotional best, become more self-disciplined, stop being a brat) in favor giving yourself more love, compassion, and support - from both yourself to yourself, and from friends, and from a good therapist, if you can afford it. Good luck & best wishes.

    1. Thanks for the support Carol. Family doctor highly recommended drugs rather than therapy, which is helping me in some ways and messing me up in other ways. I will get through this one way or another (at least that's the hope).

  2. Drugs can be helpful be it's weird advice to recommend that instead of therapy. I think that it's pretty widely accepted that the combo of both is by far the most beneficial when meds are warranted. I am a big believer in talk therapy (provided you can find someone who's good that you like - always critical) and have learned much from it and overall just benefited tremendously.

    1. Well, my family doctor has an extremely cheerful personality and he felt like I didn't have any major issues that needs to be talked through. I'm very fortunate to have some smart, compassionate and logical friends who have put in hours of 1-to-1 chats with me so that's been really helpful (and free!) Thanks for your input though Carol! I do appreciate it.