Thursday, January 2, 2014

Finally feeling a sense of freedom from my family situation, at least for now

For the first 21 years of my life, I felt like I was on track to a productive, well-respected life. I studied hard, tried to cause little trouble, was an totally obedient little girl. When I graduated, I learned that just focusing on school and not researching about the job environment or getting work experience was quite a stupid decision. So I tried to get work experience. Then I felt that the field I chose would benefit a lot more if I entered grad school, so that's what I did. Then I realized the academia and the world of scientific research was nothing like I imagined, but I gritted my teeth and toughed it out. This blog chronicles my struggles, first with yoga as a healing process, with the naive thinking that I would be healed very soon. Then I slumped into a couple years of mostly negative emotional states, sad and confused how I got there.

Now I'm back home again, and for the first time in a very long time, I am happy to report that I no longer feel like I am a disrespected, useless, trapped, immature little girl who has never grown up and never will. In a way I guess it's good that my family stays consistent all these years, so even though I am slower than average people to figure out these kind of stuff, I can finally predict what I would face every time I return home. I see that on the surface they treat me courteously but in reality their actions say that they think I know nothing outside of studying so therefore they must guide me step by step how to do the simplest stuff like taking a bus. Viewing it another way, perhaps my family just doesn't know how to raise children to be independent. They like to handhold younger generations for all of their lives, to the point that they never end up learning how to be on their own. And then they turn around and say, "Look, these younger generations are so useless compared to us and the older generations. They don't know how to learn to do anything on their own." It's the same as complaining about weight issues and then overeating "only during" special occasions (holidays, guest visiting, birthdays, anniversaries ), which happen so often that they are practically overeating most of the time. Basically they complain or talk negatively about something, but these traits or situations they don't like are caused by their own doings. I guess it's human nature to do so.

I feel a great sense of freedom that whatever absurdities I observe and experience, they will be over in a week and a bit. I'm so happy that I found a place to live who respects individuals as equals (well, not 100%, but much, much better than here in Asia), and allows people space to grow and learn. I spent a good part of my life trying to be good, to impress people, and to make my family happy, but now I see it's quite a futile attempt. What makes them happy will make me very miserable. I should look out for myself and be okay with the fact that they have never thought highly of me and may never will. Their opinions of me do not define my success or failure in life. Feeling very relieved about that.

No comments:

Post a Comment