Saturday, February 28, 2015


According to this article, there are only 5 basic fears, in which all our feels fall under:

1. Fear of Ego Death
2. Fear of Separation
3. Fear of Loss of Autonomy
4. Fear of Mutilation
5. Fear of Extinction

I am very lucky that at the moment, I don't have the bottom two fears. My hearts go out for those living in war-torn zones or high violent crime areas. However, all of my life I have been struggling with fear #3, and at the moment, I am especially struggling with fears #1 and #2.

Everything I do at work, I am trying for the first time, and hence I'm not very good at it. I am a bit upset that I have picked a field that is so unstable and advances so fast, that as soon as I barely master the skill, my contract will end and I will have to find a new job which will require me to learn a brand new set of skills. On the plus side it'll keep my brain very active. On the down side I constantly beat myself up for sucking at what I do every day, and I constantly worry that the boss will want to replace me and I won't be able to get that next job. This is my ego having a very low self esteem.

At the second level, I don't have many good friends right now, and my bf, due to troubles in his own family, cannot provide security. To him, fear for the loss of autonomy is a lot greater than the fear of separation. For me, my fear of separation is so high that I act all crazy and sacrifice some of my own autonomy, and of course the strategy is not working.

Because I find it impossible to connect with people here (also contributes to fear #1 - my ego hurts for sucking at building close friendship), my gut tells me I should leave this country ASAP. But who knows if the next place will be any better? Similarly, because of the vast difference of our backgrounds, my bf and I are not a good fit, but separation anxiety takes over me at the thought of splitting from him. We talked about breaking up, but while he seems calm, the thought of it makes it feel like my whole world is about to fall apart.

I think I need to learn to deal with my fears a lot better or else I will be a mess forever.

1 comment:

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