Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Feeling more positive

After 2.5 years in Europe, finally I am going to get some visitors. I have learned a lot over the past years. I learned that I am really bad at picking up new technical knowledge and organizing them into a coherent report. I get distracted too easily and thus am very inefficient. I am terrible at socializing and would rather hang out with the fwb than to go out and find a better boyfriend/companion. As a cynical introverted pessimist, being surrounded by other negative, cynical, pessimistic, and introverted people just make my own conditions even worse. I am learning more about how my friends are like, who to be careful for and who to be appreciative about.

Luckily these days I am feeling better about myself. I went on a full day interview which didn't actually go that well,but I am in a position where I don't have to take the job so it's good practice. I learned where my weaknesses are, so i can improve on it if i need to go on more interviews. I met up with a yoga friend couple, who were extremely hospitable, which was very much needed, having spent so long with non-warm people here. Both events were really uplifting. 

I was sort of reluctant to take up the job because I didn't think I was ready to leave Europe. But the thing is, I came here so I could travel, but I haven't been traveling nearly as much as I had hoped. The last time I traveled alone to Edinburgh, I found it to be one of the coolest cities I have ever visited but I felt so alone the whole time I was there. It never used to be an issue a few years back. I think I am at a stage in my life where friendship matters more than adventures. For most people, that is probably always the case, but For me I have really undermined my friendships my whole life. That is why I have been able to travel so much on my own and could move to a country where i didn't know a soul for work purposes. However, I don't really care to do it again, unless a really excellent opportunity arises.

At the whole day interview, everyone kept asking me what are my career plans. I could not really give a clear answer. It's because  I have never considered my career in terms of which position I want to get. I have always thought of it as to be able to work on as many cool projects as I can eat my hands on, and hope that the skills and knowledge i acquire during the project would get me my next job. I probably should have said that at the interview but I didn't dare to. Also, most conventional thinking *is* about the position: to become a professor, a director, a manager, a producer, etc. 

I have been pretty depressed for the past few years because I wasn't given the resources to learn the knowledge that I need to do a good job. I have completed 0 projects so far (although 2-3 are close to completion). I have no good friends nearby. My relationship with parents, relatives, boyfriend, bosses, colleagues, and even friends back home are very crappy. Recently I am understanding the fwb a bit better than I used to. A couple girls at work have better personalities than others. My work contract got extended last minute. I think I have a good chance of getting the job I interviewed for (being acquaintances with the guy doing the hiring makes all the difference). I really think it's the kindness of people that have uplifted me from my normal depressed self.

I have decided it is time to reevaluate the positions of all my friends and acquaintances in my head. Some I considered to be my closest friends need to be lowered in terms of dearness. Those who are warm and accepting... I need to make the effort to interact with them more. 

I am happy to be feeling more calm and content recently. The sunshine helps. Let's hope the good mood continues. 

2 comments:

  1. HI Yogini !

    Just came to your blog after reading Master Zee ( http://www.exploringdreamstate.com/ ) ...

    I think you must practice some sport. Running or fitness may give you more energy and you'll feel more optimistic, in control of your life.

    Sports, praying God, eating and sleeping well : that's what everyone should do.

    Tony

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